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 How to Destroy a Billiard Table
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ccb
SS Quizmaster Emeritus

3799 Posts

Posted - 05/29/2003 :  12:47:07  Show Profile
Since everybody's on this thread, let's say a person who shall remain nameless wanted to destroy the billiard table in her/his latest fanfic should she/he
A. have Jim thrown threw it, up then down or
B. Artie "accidently blow it up" or
C. a combination of the two


I'd have a grand brawl in the car, with the poor table splintered by the hurtling bodies of West's assailants. Then just as in "The Freebooters," Artemus enters the car, shrugs, and says, "The cleaning lady'll have conniptions over this one."

K Mills
SS novice field agent

849 Posts

Posted - 05/29/2003 :  14:32:58  Show Profile
Sounds like fun, but someone might get hurt! Thanks for the laugh!
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AdorableBlue
SS novice field agent

948 Posts

Posted - 05/29/2003 :  17:59:15  Show Profile  Visit AdorableBlue's Homepage
That's a good one, ccb. Agree - my choice. My second would be Artie experimenting with his gases and bombs and accidentally kaboom!!!!! Well, he did go to sleep on his colorless experiment (and that's so sweet of Jim to put a blanket over him!).


AdorableBlue
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Redhead1617
SS novice field agent

USA
1393 Posts

Posted - 05/29/2003 :  19:11:54  Show Profile  Visit Redhead1617's Homepage
LOL! Love it ccb!

"the poor table splintered by the hurtling bodies of West's assailants"

beautifully phrased and wonderful word choices!!!

after a day like today, it was great to laugh

*sigh...where's MY Ross Martin?
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K Mills
SS novice field agent

849 Posts

Posted - 05/30/2003 :  08:34:48  Show Profile
I could have Artemus accidentally blow Jim through the table! That might be fun, of course it would have to be in the middle of a rousing fistfight. Which are very hard to write by the way! How about run a horse through the parlor? That would take care of that pesky table!
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Redhead1617
SS novice field agent

USA
1393 Posts

Posted - 05/31/2003 :  18:38:42  Show Profile  Visit Redhead1617's Homepage
K es muy loco

just kidding K

*sigh...where's MY Ross Martin?
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couldron
SS novice field agent

1438 Posts

Posted - 05/31/2003 :  19:26:04  Show Profile
How about having all the balls explode
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ccb
SS Quizmaster Emeritus

3799 Posts

Posted - 06/01/2003 :  07:28:22  Show Profile
How about having all the balls explode?

[West slides his cue for practice, aiming at one of three balls on the table. Artemus enters from the hallway and freezes.]
ARTEMUS: DON'T—!
[Too late. West has popped the cue ball just as Artie screams. The table explodes, with sufficient force to throw both agents to opposite sides of their car.]
WEST: You mind telling me why you striped the exploding balls?
ARTEMUS: I was practicing my technique. [Pause.] You could thank me, you know.
WEST: Fo r what?
ARTEMUS: For not loading the cue ball.
WEST: You want me to thank you for leaving all the loaded balls on the table, too?
ARTEMUS: [Shrugs.] Nobody's perfect.
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couldron
SS novice field agent

1438 Posts

Posted - 06/01/2003 :  07:41:23  Show Profile
quote:
WEST: You want me to thank you for leaving all the loaded balls on the table, too?
ARTEMUS: [Shrugs.] Nobody's perfect.


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AdorableBlue
SS novice field agent

948 Posts

Posted - 06/02/2003 :  01:19:42  Show Profile  Visit AdorableBlue's Homepage
Hey! ccb definitely can write!!!!!!! New fic-writer to the list??

AdorableBlue
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K Mills
SS novice field agent

849 Posts

Posted - 06/02/2003 :  12:45:43  Show Profile
That's hilarious, I wish I had written it. The dialogue is perfect! Here's what happened in my story, though. I got a ton of editing to do, but you get the general idea.

Two men were headed up the rail steps into the varnish car and Artemus jumped off behind them. They broke down the door and he threw himself on them. His rifle clattered to the floor and one man flew onto the billiards table. The cigar clenched in Artemus' teeth fell to the floor and the grenade bounced from his pouch.

Artemus punched one man in the face. The other fellow jumped on Artemus’ back and they began to struggle. Fists and feet were used and one man managed to kick Artemus square in the balls. The air whooshed out of him and he dropped to his knees. It hurt so bad that he didn’t even feel the next punch in the face. He heard the hammer being pulled back and looked down the barrel of a six-shooter. There was nothing he could do, but die.

The Wanderer lurched again and the grenade lazily spun over to the cigar. It was lit and it continued on under the billiards table.

Artemus didn’t see Jim, but a bullet tore through the skull of the man holding the gun between his eyes. Blood and brains splattered. The smell of burning carpet filled the air. Artemus grabbed his aching crotch and ran for Jim. He slammed into him and they both tumbled out the door and down the steps. The Wanderer was inching along. They were lying in the ditch when the billiard table blew up and through the roof. Little pieces of wood rained down on them, but Jim was on his feet running for the train and firing his rifle. Artemus was two steps behind.

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Redhead1617
SS novice field agent

USA
1393 Posts

Posted - 06/02/2003 :  18:25:12  Show Profile  Visit Redhead1617's Homepage
LOL, ccb I laughed until I cried reading that! Excellent! You must do something with that! PLEASE!!!!!!

As for K, ewwwww!!!!!! yucky, yucky, yucky!!!!!

"a bullet tore through the skull of the man holding the gun between his eyes. Blood and brains splattered. "

K is gruesome!!! But good writers can't be squeemish

*sigh...where's MY Ross Martin?
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n/a
deleted

243 Posts

Posted - 06/02/2003 :  18:53:04  Show Profile
That dialogue was so authentic, ccb. Another vote for a ccb fanfic.
Added to the one that K is writing: two new fics!!! We'll all be feasting!!!
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n/a
deleted

101 Posts

Posted - 06/07/2003 :  16:24:52  Show Profile
this brings up a question for me....where do you guys find WWW fanfic? I haven't had much luck...

thanks!






"Things Artemus, are not always what they appear to be."
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Redhead1617
SS novice field agent

USA
1393 Posts

Posted - 06/07/2003 :  20:31:02  Show Profile  Visit Redhead1617's Homepage
Hey Mohave Mike (oh Red is soo envious of your sn!!! Red loves that Artie disguise!!!!! Red loves all of Artie's diaguises )

Here're a few quick links for fanfic:
http://www.fanfiction.net/list.php?categoryid=1135
http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Station/4913/west.html
and my own site, http://redhead1617.tripod.com/wildwildwest/ I only have 3 pieces & an excellent one from K TNOT Emperor's Sword & TNOT Vacation (not a "traditional piece" ) I actually did for my Creative Writing class!! That was the best college class I ever had I'm currently working on another piece if I ever get home before 10pm or 11pm to work on it

*sigh...where's MY Ross Martin?
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AdorableBlue
SS novice field agent

948 Posts

Posted - 06/08/2003 :  04:06:00  Show Profile  Visit AdorableBlue's Homepage
Hey, Red! You forgot the fics found on this site itself! Have ya read them? Go to the homepage, scroll down and you'll find the link. More than 10 fics there I believe.

AdorableBlue
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couldron
SS novice field agent

1438 Posts

Posted - 06/08/2003 :  04:45:05  Show Profile
Another fanfic link:
http://www.stormpages.com/grottocafe/w3stories.html
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Redhead1617
SS novice field agent

USA
1393 Posts

Posted - 06/08/2003 :  06:18:52  Show Profile  Visit Redhead1617's Homepage
I've read 'em Blue I was going to list it, but it says right under W-L2 fanfiction... I have more links on my own computer but unfortunately my computer no longer has net access for the time being, I'm find them though

*sigh...where's MY Ross Martin?
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n/a
deleted

101 Posts

Posted - 06/08/2003 :  08:31:49  Show Profile
thanks guys! I've read the ones at ff.net, this site of course and stormpages, and now I'll go check out red's fics. I didn't know if maybe there was some huge archive I didn't know about.... too bad more authors aren't writing for this genre just for the fun of it!





"Things Artemus, are not always what they appear to be."
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n/a
deleted

243 Posts

Posted - 06/08/2003 :  13:42:25  Show Profile
Look on the bright side, Mohave Mike. At least there's still good fanfic around, the evidence shows we can soon expect a new fanfic from K.!
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n/a
deleted

101 Posts

Posted - 06/08/2003 :  15:49:35  Show Profile
quote:
Originally posted by M. Spring

Look on the bright side, Mohave Mike. At least there's still good fanfic around, the evidence shows we can soon expect a new fanfic from K.!



Very true, spring, I just like reading it as opposed to only writing it!! LOL!





"Things Artemus, are not always what they appear to be."
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K Mills
SS novice field agent

849 Posts

Posted - 06/09/2003 :  08:34:43  Show Profile
more

"Colonel Fairchild is here, Jim.”

“I’m coming.”

Jim jumped down and the two turned to face their commanding officer.

“You two look like hell,” said Colonel Fairchild. “Jim, is that you under all those bruises?”

“Unfortunately.”

“And Gordon, you look like you’ve been beat up as well.”

“Yes sir, at least once.”

The agents glanced at each other and began laughing. Colonel Fairchild shook his head in disgust.

“I suppose you’re going to say you need a vacation?”

Jim and Artemus sank down on a nearby bench and laughed some more. His balls were aching and Jim was weaving from exhaustion. Colonel Fairchild just stared at them until they quit laughing.

“Report to me in three days,” said Colonel Fairchild. “And you might want to see about putting your train in for repairs.”

Artemus looked at the parlor car and cringed. Jim’s face was a sight to behold. Artemus put his head in his hands. He’d blown up the billiards table, hell; he’d blown up the train. Jim was going to kill him.

“Artie, tell me that was an accident.”

“You were there. I didn’t do it.” Artemus pushed up to his feet and staggered down the platform to the parlor car. There was a dead body in there somewhere. Jim wasn’t far behind. “Oh, and thanks.”

“What’s a partner for?”

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