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California gal
SS senior field agent

USA
8378 Posts

Posted - 08/02/2009 :  08:54:29  Show Profile

Rev. 8/9/66

THE WILD WILD WEST

THE NIGHT OF THE READY-MADE CORPSE

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
BRUCE LANSBURY

ASSOCIATE PRODUCER
LEONARD KATZMAN

STORY CONSULTANT
HENRY SHARP

WRITTEN BY
KEN KOLB

SETS: (X)

EXT. WESTERN STREET
INT. PHOTOGRAPHER’S STUDIO
INT. WORKSHOP
INT. WEST’S RAILROAD CAR
EXT. FUNERAL PARLOR
INT. CHAPEL
INT. EMBALMING ROOM
INT. IRISH BAR
EXT. GRAVEYARD
INT. ANTILLE’S CRYPT
EXT. ANTILLE’S CRYPT
EXT. IRISH BAR
INT. LEDA’S APARTMENT
INT. FUNERAL PARLOR – RECEPTION ROOM
INT. CLOSED CARRIAGE
EXT. ALLEY
INT. FUNERAL ALCOVE
EXT. PHOTOGRAPHER’S STUDIO
EXT. STREET

CAST (X)

JAMES WEST – ROBERT CONRAD
ARTEMUS GORDON – ROSS MARTIN
PELLARGO #1
PELLARGO #2
CLAUDIO ANTILLE
FABIAN LAVENOR
FINLEY
LEDA PELLARDO
ROSE MURPHY
BARMAID

SILENT (X)

GOLO
GUARDS
TOBY MURPHY

Rev. 8/8/66

TEASER

FADE IN:

2. EXT. WESTERN STREEET – DAY

A horse and rider canters up the street, past the CAMERA, then to a railing, where the rider dismounts and secures his horse, during which time we will recognize him as WEST…

… then CAMERA ANGLES, picks up a GROUP OF FIVE MEN walking along sidewalk, approaching West—same sidewalk, but with a jog in it that hides West from view; we see that the group of five men is dominated by the figure in the middle; dazzling, a colorful, over-uniformed figure – a swarthy, strutting bantam cock (he is PELLARGO and should put us in mind of a youthful Trujillo) surrounded by four obvious BODYGUARDS – tough, hard-looking men in the period equivalent of our modern trench coats, each with his hands jammed in his coat pockets.

2. ANOTHER ANGLE

as West turns the corner and sees the approaching group.

WEST
(to Pellargo)
Oh, good morning, your Excellency. May I…

That’s as far as he gets; with a speed and deadly coordination that speaks volumes for their training, three of the four bodyguards manhandle West off to the side, slam him against the wall, and proceed to frisk him – for all of five seconds…

… until West explodes into a furious surge of counteraction that consists of…

A… piston-like contraction of his arm that drives an elbow deep into the solar-plexus of bodyguard #1, dropping him like a sack of grain—then…

B… a sizzling right across to the chin of bodyguard #2, whirling him around and into a slack-jawed, wobbly-kneed state—and finally…

C… a fast duck to avoid a roundhouse swing leveled at him by bodyguard #3—a swing that smashed against the plaster wall, with highly painful results—whereupon West yanks the bodyguard’s buttoned coat down hard around his elbows, effectively pinioning him as if he had been leisurely tied up…

… just as ARTEMUS rides up in a lather, flips off his horse, then puts on an elaborately casual manner as he sees that the action is all over. West, of course, is equally calm and unruffled.

ARTEMUS
Hi, Jim. What’s cooking?

WEST
Same old soup, Artie—just heating it over.
(turning to Pellargo)
As I was saying before I was interrupted, welcome to Wickenburg, Col. Pellargo.

Pellargo nods, looking West over appraisingly.

PELLARGO
You’re very capable; your name?

WEST
James West.
(indicating Artemus)
My partner, Artemus Gordon.

PELLARGO
Assigned to me by your government?
(at West’s nod)
I approve.
(to the three bodyguards, contemptuously)
I don’t want to see you comic-opera characters for the rest of the day.

As the three bodyguards slink out of view, Pellargo takes West’s elbow and steers him up a flight of stairs – (followed by Guard #4 who has never stirred from Pellargo’s side, remember) – a flight of stairs that terminated on a second floor landing – on which we see a sign reading, “Hugo Kastner, Photographer.”

(NOTE: before he allows himself to be led up the stairs, West tosses a meaningful glance at Artemus – which Artemus acknowledges with a nod – after which he takes up his station at the food of the stairs.)

3. INT. PHOTOGRAPHER’S STUDIO – NIGHT

West and Pellargo emerge into the starkly functional photo studio typical of the era—a large, inclined skylight floods the room with moonlight, supplemented by ornate kerosene lamps—and before the dais with its prop potted palm and Roman column, a massive studio camera is readied on a wheeled platform.

PELLARGO
(continuing speech)
… I can only trust you will forgive their over-zealousness… they were trying to keep me from being murdered.

WET
If that was what was on my mind, I could easily have murdered you.

VOICE
And if you had, Mr. West? There’d be no harm done, would there?

4. CAMERA ANGLES as West turns to disclose that the voice belongs to bodyguard #4, as he unbuttons his coat and allows it to fall to the floor—and now we see underneath the coat he wears a magnificent, be-medaled uniform.

… similar to the one worn by “Pellargo”—as West turns back to him, we see that he has snapped to attention like a buck private, then lunged forward, striking a match that he holds to the cigar that the other has put to his lips. West looks from one to the other, and we see an understanding light dawn in his eyes.

WEST
(to 2nd Pellargo, indicating 1st Pellargo)
Of course—a double.
(a beat)
Or should I say—a lightning rod?

PELLARGO
(shrugging)
If you prefer—but a lightning rod who is paid handsomely for the risks he runs.

WEST
Very ingenious; you had me fooled.

PELLARGO
(tapping his chest)
Pellargo has many people fooled. Mr. West—
(turns on mirthless smile)
--which is why Pellargo is still listed among the living, eh?

He throws back his head and laughs uproariously as a MOUSY PHOTOGRAPHER wearing a shaggy mop of hair and thick-lensed glasses approaches timorously.

PHOTOGRAPHER
(stammering)
Sir—your Excellency…

He retreats and buries his head in the photographer’s cloth as he fusses with the camera’s innards…

… while Pellargo mounts the dais and takes up a pose reminiscent of Napoleon, during which he turns his glittering smile on West.

PELLARGO
An old custom in my country—a portrait of its ruler, to be distributed among the people.

WEST
(ironically)
As a substitute for bread?

Pellargo’s smile is suddenly erased and replaced by tightly compressed lips as he stares at West—then his smile breaks out again.

PELLARGO
I like you, Mr. West, you say what you think.
(a beat – mock-mournfully)
My country—alas, is poor—we cannot afford portraits and bread.

WEST
So the people end up with portraits.

PELLARGO
(contemptuously)
Why not? My people are completely dedicated to two basic objectives; the first, eking out a wretched hand-to-mouth existence; and the second…

WEST
Trying to assassinate you.

PELLARGO
(nodding smilingly)
From time to time, yes.
(spreading his arms)
I’m a reasonable man; I’m willing to grant them the first—but never the second.

He throws back his head and roars with laughter, until:

PHOTOGRAPHER
(muffled—from under cloth)
Sir—your Excellency—you mustn’t move…

Pellargo turns off his laughter and holds his arrogant pose, his lips still twitching with laughter, as CAMERA PULLS BACK to show the photographer’s head buried in his cloth, one handholding the bulb, the other a photo flash tray extended overhead.

PHOTOGRAPHER (CONT’D)
Hold it, sir, hold it…

Then it happens; the flash goes off—but instead of the standard flash of light, an immense cloud of crimson smoke boils up, enveloping the room in an instant…

… and following almost immediately, we see Pellargo lashing out convulsively as his hands to to his throat, then he topples inertly to the floor in a welter over overturned Roman column and potted plant…

… Bodyguard #4 lunges forward, frantically trying to draw his pistol from its holster—but he never makes it; he, too, topples to the floor…

… but West, with a desperate urgency has ripped a section of his shirt away and, holding it to his face, he plunges toward camera, just as the photographer emerges from under his cloth, and we see that he is now wearing a gas mask…

… the photographer counters by sending the big, wheeled camera rocketing toward West, delaying him just long enough for the photographer to snatch open the door through which all entered, and slams it shut behind him…

5. EXT. LANDING OUTSIDE PHOTOGRAPHER’S STUDIO – NIGHT

… and now, outside, he slams a massive pivoted bar down, securely locking the door, then whirls and smashes the flash tray he still holds against Artemus, who has come running up the stairs, then plunging past the stunned Artemus, he dashes down the stairs.

6. INT. PHOTOGRAPHER’S STUDIO – NIGHT

… while inside, West wastes a few precious, non-breathing seconds tugging at the barred door, then turns and flings himself in a desperate dive right through the front window, as we

FADE OUT:

END TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

7. EXT. PHOTOGRAPHER’S STUDIO – NIGHT

SHOOTING UP FROM STREET – (NOTE: the following action is a direct continuation of the action Teaser ended on) – West crashes through the front window in an explosion of glass and framing – lands on the roof of the verandah below, and continues his plummeting flight from there…

… during which we see the photographer, discarding his wig and spectacles as he goes, racing down the stairs from the studio (Artemus is slumped over stair rail, stunned from the blow he took from the photographer’s flash tray) and into the street…

… in a tie with West, who, even as he hits the ground has drawn his gun; as the photographer races past West into the alley across the street, West snaps off a shot—we see the photographer stagger briefly, clutching his arm.

8. CLOSE SHOT – THE PHOTOGRAPHER

… and now for the first time we see what the photographer really looks like as he turns his hunted, hate-filled face to West—(now we can tell you he is CLAUDIO ANTILLE)—then whips around and dashes into the alley—we see him reach the end where the alley takes a job, disappear around the corner…

9. ANOTHER ANGLE

Still clutching his arm, Antille emerges around the corner of the alley, dashes toward a frame that holds a small bill-poster, steps within the frame of the bill-poster, supporting himself by grasping the frame with his uninjured hand…

… and smoothly and silently the frame revolves on hidden pivots, causing him to disappear (see Fig. 37) and replacing the poster that has revolved out with an another identical one…

… just before West rounds the corner, prepared for bear – and stops short; CAMERA PULLS BACK to show him walking slowly and bewilderedly toward the end of the blind, completely empty alley…

10. ANOTHER ANGLE

As Artemus rounds the corner (his forehead lacerated where the flash tray made violent contact) and looks around, breathing hard:

[page missing]

Rev. 8/9/66

Rev. 8/9/66

13. CONTINUED

LAVENDOR
Ah, good evening, Mr. Antille… You are a few moments late.
(turning)
Will you follow me, please?

14. MOVING – TWO SHOT

As Antille follows Lavendor past a few rows of folding chairs toward the doors to the chapel.

ANTILLE
My arm is hurting…

LAVENDOR
I noticed you had a slight wound. I’ll see to it…. Do try not to bleed on the carpet. It gives the mourners a bad impression.

15. INT. EMBALMING ROOM – FULL SHOT

Antille and Lavendor ENTER from a door in the far wall and advance to the MEDIUM F.G. The room is furnished with the necessary props and tools of the mortician’s craft. A flat wooden table is the central feature, surrounded by large jars of formaldehyde, makeup equipment, and so on.

LAVENDOR
Just lie down there on the table, please…. It’s not very comfortable, I’m afraid….
(thin smile)
But few of my clients complain.

Antille looks around, plainly disliking the environment, but he sits on the edge of the work table, then lies out flat.

16. MEDIUM TWO SHOT

Lavendor approaches Antille, quickly and efficiently snips away the soaked cloth around the wound, then swabs it with a liquid antiseptic as Antille winces:

LAVENDOR
Hurt? You’re fortunate – it’s a clean flesh-wound…. I trust you accomplished your mission tonight.

ANTILLE
I always do; why should this job be an exception?

LAVENDOR
Congratulations. Then the rest is up to me, to provide the little services you contracted for.

Lavendor binds up the wound with a wraparound gauze bandage, then Antille sits up, swinging his legs over the side.

ANTILLE
An agent guarding Pellargo came after me. I suppose they’ll be searching the whole area.

LAVENDOR
I considered that possibility… so you have accommodations here. I’ll show you.

17. NEW ANGLE – MEDIUM

Antille gets off the table and Lavendor leads him to a wall covered with sliding storage compartments for bodies.

LAVENDOR
These are known as “slumber vaults”…

He slides one out, finding it already occupied.

LAVENDOR (CONT’D)
Sorry, old boy…

He slides the drawer back in again, selects another and pulls it out. This one is empty. Antille doesn’t like the idea.

ANTILLE
Must it be here…?

LAVENDOR
This is the safest place, in case of a search.
(pause; then smile)
And I assure you – the other tenants will not disturb your rest.

ZIP PAN TO:

18. SAME CLOSE SHOT OF LAVENDOR
Then pull BACK to show we are in:

19. EXT. STREET SCENE – NIGHT

And that Lavendor is peering intently through the partially opened door of a hansom cab parked at the curb. He unscrews the cap of a hip flask, tilts it in a long swallow, then as a panel of light suddenly leaps toward him, he shrinks back into the darkness of the cab – as CAMERA ANGLES…

… to show that we are facing the front of an unassuming pub, distinguished only by an illustration of a large schooner of veer and the name “Lenahan’s.” Right now a customer has opened the front door and is swaying happily as he stands there – and we are enabled to see that he bears more than a passing resemblance to Claudio Antille –only older, frowsier, and considerably more cheerful than we have ever seen Antille to be… (NOTE: we will find out that he is TOBY MURPHY.)

20. ANOTHER ANGLE

As Toby Murphy leaves the doorway of Lenahan’s and sets a wavering course down the darkened sidewalk, singing “Danny Boy” as he goes…

21. AT HANSOM CAB

The door opens and Lavendor maneuvers himself through the cab door and sets out stealthily after Murphy. Lavendor watches (unseen) Murphy, and we see his tremendous hand closing about the hip-flask he still holds – and, completely unconscious of what he is doing, he crushes the flask into a shapeless mass – then the door opens.

22. BACK TO MURPHY

Staggering along, singing happily, when some ancient remnant of a sixth sense operates – and he stops singing, turns around, peering waveringly into the darkness around him – then shrugs and starts off again – then again he stops – as if he heard something stealthy, menacing…

… and this time as he turns around, we can see from the expression of his face that he does see something – and as the shadow of whatever it is that he sees draws closer and moves over him, we can see Murphy’s face forming into an expression of horror; on the gathering terror in his eyes…

FLIP TO:

Rev. 8/8/66

23. INT. WEST’S RAILROAD CAR – DAY

CLOSE on a STRIKINGLY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN dressed in widow’s weeds (she is Leda Pellargo, widow of the slain dictator)…

… the PULL BACK to show her seated on a sofa, with West standing uncomfortably nearby.

WEST
There was no need for you to come here, Senora Pellargo. I’d have been happy to come to you.

LEDA
(wearily)
I wanted to walk—the walks of my hotel room were beginning to close in on me.
(a beat)
What did you wish to see me about?

WEST
I’ve been entrusted to deliver a telegram to you – from the President of the United States.

West produces the message and hands it to her, but she makes no move to open it.

LEDA
An official expression of sorrow… and sympathy—heartfelt condolences, etc. Am I correct?

West nods uncomfortably.

LEDA (CONT’D)
Will that bring back my husband? Or bring his murderer to justice?

As Leda rises, as if to go.

WEST
I’m sorry, Senora.
(a beat)
But you may be interested to know that we have identified your husband’s murder.

Leda wheels about, nostrils dilated, eyes glowing.

LEDA
Who is it?

West takes a photo from a drawer and places it in Leda’s eager hand.

Rev. 8/9/66

24. INSERT – PHOTO

… and we see that it is an excellent likeness of Antille.

WEST’S VOICE
Claudio Antille – professional assassin – courtesy of Washington’s files of internationally wanted criminals.

25. BACK TO SCENE

LEDA
(gazing at photo)
Portrait of a murderer…

She raises a gloved hand as if to strike the portrait, then suddenly, her composure is shattered; she whips out a hankie and presses it to her eyes.

26. ANGLE FEATURING WEST

WEST
United States has been made to look responsible for your husband’s death…

LEDA
(ignoring West’s remarks)
There was a rumor you wounded this… Antille, you said.

27. MEDIUM TWO SHOT

WEST
Yes, Senora. I’m sure I did. I found blood.

LEDA
I should have thought that would make him quite easy to follow.

WEST
I’d have thought so, too, but he vanished in a blind alley…

LEDA
How is it possible for this man to have accomplished – what he set out to do?

WEST
This Antille is, in his own way, very capable. Look how far ahead the man planned! Two months ago he arrived here, set up shop as Hugo Kastner, photographer, and waited patiently for…

Rev. 8/8/66

27. CONTINUED

He breaks off as Artemus comes bustling into the scene, starts to blurt out something, then stops at the sight of Leda.

ARTEMUS
Excuse me, Senora –
(to West)
May I speak to you a minute, Jim…

He draws West away and whispers to him—with West reacting grimly to what he HEARS. Then, as West turns back to Leda:

LEDA
(looks from West to Artemus)
What is it? Antille?

WEST
(nodding)
He’s been found.

LEDA
Thank heavens!
(bitterly)
What does a murderer say when he is caught?

WEST
In the case of Antille, nothing: he’s dead.

FLIP TO:

28. EXT. FUNERAL PARLOR – FULL SHOT – DAY

On a quiet side street amid dignified old houses is the New Dawn Funeral Parlor, identified by the name in gold letters across the velvet-draped front windows. A horse-cab pulls to a stop in front of the place, West and Leda get out, and the cab pulls away.

29. CLOSE ANGLE – WEST AND LEDA

Leda wears her mourning black, with a veil. West supports her by her arm as they move toward the door.

WEST
Are you sure you feel up to this?

LEDA
Yes… I want to do it.

WEST
It will be painful…

LEDA
So was the loss of my husband; I want to see his murderer.

West holds the door open for Leda, then follows her in.

30. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR – RECEPTION ROOM – MEDIUM

The reception room is decorated with the usual genteel vulgarity of such places; a small desk, a few uncomfortable chairs, a potted rubber plant, sickly sentimental pictures on the walls. Lavendor comes forward to meet West and Leda, exuding professional sympathy.

LAVENDOR
May I help you in this hour of trial?

WEST
Are you in charge here?

LAVENDOR
(slight bow)
I am the proprietor, Fabian Lavendor.

WEST
You have a body on hand presumed to be a certain Claudio Antille?

LAVENDOR
Oh. Yes… that one.

WEST
How does he happen to be here?

LAVENDOR
It was rather irregular… but the men who found him said this was simply the nearest available place… I could hardly turn them away… Naturally I soon notified the police.

WEST
Who brought him in?

LAVENDOR
Two workers… They declined to leave their names – and I have no authority to force them. They left rather quickly… before I had time to discover the bullet wound in the departed.

Rev. 8/9/66

30. CONTINUED

WEST
You made the identification?

LAVENDOR
Yes… from some papers in the coat pocket, and a letter. I’ll get them for you.

Lavendor moves to the small desk, opens a drawer and gets out a few papers and a wallet, which he hands to West.

LAVENDOR (CONT’D)
Are you and Madame, uh… related… to the deceased?

31. THREE SHOT – FEATURING WEST

WEST
The Senora is the widow of the man Antille killed.

LAVENDOR
Oh. My deepest sympathies… If I might be of professional service to Senora…?

WEST
That’s been taken care of, thanks. … Now if we could see the body?

LAVENDOR
Of course. He is reposing in the chapel… This way, please.

West and Leda follow Lavendor toward an inner door.

32. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR CHAPEL – MEDIUM

Lavendor, Leda and West enter, moving past the few rows of folding chairs toward the altar and the low tier before it. On the bier is a plain wooden coffin with the lid removed. As they near it, Lavendor steps aside.

33. DOWN ANGLE – WEST, LEDA AND CASKET

West and Leda move up beside the casket and look in to it. There’s Antille beyond doubt. Leda reacts quickly, involuntarily, as if to strike the lifeless figure within – until West gently but firmly restrains her.

LEDA
(bitterly)
So that’s the monster…!

Rev. 8/8/66

33. CONTINUED

Overcome with emotion, she turns away, bringing a hand to her mouth as though to hold back sobs. West supports her leading her away, and CAMERA PANS to bring Lavendor INTO SCENE.

WEST
Please take care of Senora Pellargo for a moment.

LAVENDOR
Of course. Come, Senora, I have some smelling salts in the reception room.

Lavendor takes Leda’s arm and leads her out. West turns back toward the bier.

34. ANGLE ON WEST AND COFFIN

West returns to the side of the casket, staring down at the body of Antille with an intent, slightly puzzled expression. He feels the chest, first for heartbeat, then for the bullet wound. When he finds the spot, he opens the shirt slightly to take a look. (Naturally we keep any gory or distasteful portions of West’s examination off-screen.)

35. ANOTHER ANGLE

West walks around the coffin, still looking the body over carefully. He traces a slight scar on Antille’s jaw, then peers at some faint markings on the neck. Then he lifts the right hand of the body, checking for another scar across the knuckles. It’s there. The shirt sleeve flops loosely, and West pulls out the cuff, showing the cufflink hole to be empty. He lowers the right hand and lifts the left, pulling out the shirt cuff.

36, BIG CLOSEUP – CUFF AND CUFFLINK

The cufflink on the left sleeve is an exact match for the one found by West in the alley. His hand ENTERS FRAME, holding the found one to match the two.

37. ANGLE ON WEST

Satisfied, he lowers the left arm, takes a final look, then turns and moves quickly for the door.

38. INT. RECEPTION ROOM – MEDIUM FULL

Leda sits in a chair, while Lavendor attempts to pass the smelling salts under her nose again. She turns away.

Rev. 8/9/66

38. CONTINUED

LEDA
No more, please… I’m feeling quite all right now.

West enters and crosses quickly to Leda, who stands to meet him.

WEST
Sorry to keep you waiting, but I had to be positive…
(turns to Lavendor)
I’ll have to keep those papers.

LAVENDOR
Of course… Uh, about the financial arrangements…

WEST
You’ll be reimbursed by the government. I’ll see to it.

West takes Leda’s arm and they exit. CAMERA MOVES IN ON Lavendor making a face of dignified dislike after West. Then Lavendor turns and moves toward the door to the chapel.

39. INT. CHAPEL – LOW ANGLE – PAST COFFIN

Lavendor appears, moves briskly up to the coffee, then takes the lid from its resting place against the bier. He looks down and addresses the body cheerfully.

LAVENDOR
So sorry, old man – I had hoped to send you off with a little pomp and ceremony.

Lavendor claps the lid on and starts to fasten it down. SOUND OF HOLLOW LAUGHTER (as from within the box) should freeze the spines of our viewers at this point. But Lavendor isn’t scared. In fact, he joins in with a low, rumbling chuckle.

40. ANOTHER ANGLE – PAST LAVENDOR TO WALL PANEL

The wall panel opens, revealing the same secret passage through which Antille emerged before—and he emerges again, very much alive and very much amused. He moves up beside the coffin, helping Lavendor to screw down the lid – both of them now LAUGHING HEARTILY, as we slowly:

FADE OUT:

END ACT ONE


James: Thanks, Artie.
Artemus: "Thanks Artie"! Is that all you can say to me? I've just come back from the grave, risen like Lazarus, and that's what you say? "Thanks, Artie"?
James: Thanks, Artie.
Artemus: It's a pleasure.
- TNOT Pistoleros

California gal
SS senior field agent

USA
8378 Posts

Posted - 08/02/2009 :  08:55:34  Show Profile
Rev. 8/8/66



ACT TWO

FADE IN:

41. INT WEST’S RAILROAD CAR – MEDIUM TWO SHOT – DAY

West and Artemus are at opposite ends of a work table set up in an open area of the car. Artemus is writing rapidly with several sheets of paper already completed in front of him. West is building a tall, slim tower of wooden matches, laid carefully atop another in an interlocking triangle pattern. The tower is already so high as to be quite shaky.

ARTEMUS
(with a flourish)
There—done! Case closed, and report completed.
(shoves it across)
Sign on the dotted line, Jim.

But instead of signing, West adds another match to the swaying tower. He looks very thoughtful.

WEST
I don't know, Artie… something still bothers me.

ARTEMUS
Like what?

WEST
Hard to say, exactly… but I keep wondering how Antille got out of that blind alley…

ARTEMUS
Does it matter? He’s dead.

WEST
And I wonder why.

ARTEMUS
Gunshot wound is the coroner’s verdict. We did our job.

WEST
Did we?

ARTEMUS
Hey, Jim, what’s eating you? Antille killed Pellargo, tried to kill you—then me—and finally wound up as your target. End of paragraph.

Rev. 8/9/66

42. NEW ANGLE – FEATURING WEST AND THE TOWER

West adds another match, and the tower sways dangerously.

WEST
Just suppose… it wasn’t Antille in that coffin.

ARTEMUS
How could it not be! … you recognized his face, didn’t you?

WEST
I did.

ARTEMUS
His wallet and papers are authentic—scars on the body matched the ones on his dossier—ditto for the cufflink I found…

WEST
Everything you said is correct.

ARTEMUS
Then tell me, what more do you want?

43. ANGLE FEATURING WEST

WEST
I want… to look through the missing persons file.

West stands and Artemus rises with him, exasperated.

ARTEMUS
May I ask why?

WEST
Because, Artemus—things are not always what they seem to be.

And to prove his point, West takes hold of the match tower by its top and lifts it. The whole thing comes up in one solid piece, intact. (This trick will work better if we spray the match tower with a good cement between shots.)

FLIP TO:

44. INT. EMBALMING ROOM – NIGHT

SHOOTING LOW on a pair of piece pacing the floor – restlessly like a caged animal – then CAMERA MOVES UP until we are holding on the completely bandaged head of the owner of the feet…

45. ANOTHER ANGLE – AT DOOR

It opens and Lavendor enters. The bandaged figure whirls around at Lavendor’s entrance, and when he speaks, we realize he is:

ANTILLE
Look here, Lavendor. I’ve been going out of my mind!

LAVENDOR
Dear me, Mr. Antille – that should be avoided at all costs…

Antille puts clawed hands to his bandages – as if irresistibly moved to rip them off.

ANTILLE
(fingering bandages)
These mummy wrappings – how much longer must I wear them?!

LAVENDOR
No longer, I’m happy to say.

ANTILLE
You mean – you’re going to take them off, now?

LAVENDOR
Quite.
(indicating chair)
Sit down, my dear Antille –
(as Antille sits)
--and I will strip away the wrappings to disclose the new you.

CAMERA HOLDS on Lavendor as he swiftly completes the unwinding operation – then we see him peering into the mirror Antille faces – the proud, happy smile of an artist – as CAMERA MOVES DOWN to show Antille staring incredulously into the mirror – at his face – still handsome, like the old – but entirely unlike the old.

ANTILLE
(breathing the words)
I – I can’t believe it; I’m a different person!

Rev. 8/9/66

45. CONTINUED

LAVENDOR
You are, to be precise, Charles Copley Stevens, a dealer in lithographs and engravings.
(extending an envelope)
Your identification, miscellaneous papers, and steamship tickets. You lave this country in three days.

ANTILLE
It’s fantastic! Mr. Lavendor, you’re a great artist! I…

He stops, as a huge hand comes into view, the fingers stroking Antille’s new face as he shrink’s away from:

46. ANOTHER ANGLE – SHOWING

Golo, his face distorted into what we come to realize is a smile of pride as he pats Antille’s revolted face.

LAVENDOR
I don’t believe you’ve met Golo, have you? Golo is in charge of the field work of body acquisition. For instance, it was he who first recognized the suitability of the double we, ah—acquired—for you.

ANTILLE
You did a wonderful job. Who was he?

LAVENDOR
Your double?
(a thin smile)
Toby Murphy—a carousing, obscure Irishman; he will never be missed….

FLIP TO:

47. INT. IRISH BAR – ANGLE ON DOOR – NIGHT

West and Artemus ENTER and pause just inside the door, looking the place over. From o.s. Comes NOISE of glasses clinking, men arguing and pounding the bar, chairs clattering over, etc. Also MUSIC of a tinny piano playing lively Irish air, possibly “They’re Hangin’ Danny Deever in the Mornin’.”

page missing

49. CONTINUED

WEST
Beginner’s luck.

Rose enters SCENE, bringing two of the biggest mugs of beer ever seen and setting them out in front of West and Artie.

ROSE
There now – that’ll keep you from dyin’ of thirst while you decide what you’d like to drink.

ARTEMUS
Thank you, Rose.

ROSE
(surprised)
Do I know you?... I’d have sworn I never forget a face—especially such nice faces as the both of you own.

WEST
We haven’t met before. We’re here about the missing person report you filed on your father.

Rose turns, pulls the curtain, which shuts the booth off, then plunks herself down beside West.

ROSE
You know where himself has gone?

WEST
No. But we’d like to help you find him.

Rose hesitates—West flips open his wallet to show Rose his identification. She’s impressed.

ROSE
Federal government, is it? I had no idea me father was that important.

Rev. 8/8/66

49. CONTINUED

ARTEMUS
It could turn out he is. How long has he been missing?

ROSE
Four days now. Dropped out of sight like a stone in a bog.

WEST
Has he done this before? Just taken off for awhile?

ROSE
Never for longer than it took him to find his way back home again… a day or so, at most.

ARTEMUS
Do you have any recent pictures of your father?

ROSE
No. He’d always tell me it was a waste of money when I had himself to look at all the while.

WEST
We have the description you filed with the report. Is there anything else you can add to that?... Any special marks or scars that might help to identify him?

Rose thinks for a moment, then:

ROSE
There was one thing I didn’t put in the report, for no one could ever notice it… He’s missing the little toe on his right foot.

ARTEMUS
Is he now? And how did that happen?

ROSE
At the St. Patrick’s Day festival two years ago… a random beer keg happened to fall on his foot… At the time, he hardly noticed.

Rev. 8/9/66

49. CONTINUED

There’s a great CRASH above the general NOISE from o.s. and a few AD LIB shouts of “Rose… we want Rose.” She stands, and West and Artemus also get to their feet.

ROSE
(disappointed)
Going, are you? You really should stay. The place livens up immensely a bit later in the evening.

ARTEMUS
A shame we have to miss it…

WEST
…but we have to look up an old friend—minus one toe.

As West, Artemus and Rose move out of view, together, CAMERA ANGLES to the next booth, where we see Golo sitting unobtrusively with his head pressed against the back of the seat that divided the two booths—Golo with a wolfishly expectant look on his face—

FLIP TO:

50. EXT. GRAVEYARD – LOW ANGLE – NIGHT

CAMERA PLAYS OVER headstones, with the classic mist rising from the dank ground. HOLD, ESTBLISH, then we become aware of footfalls, and looming up out of the night, West and Artemus come in to view each holding bullseye lanterns, each playing it on the headstones about them, obviously looking for something particular…

51. ANOTHER ANGLE

West has started to play his lantern on the scattering of mausoleums, when Artemus stumbles against something, then picks up the object; a large, round pebble. Striking a hammy pose:

ARTEMUS
Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite…

WEST
(low-voiced – peremptory)
Artemus – over here!

Artemus drops the pebble, goes to West, who is shining his lantern on the small name plate on the door of the crypt he’s standing next to. CAMERA MOVES IN to a CLOSE SHOT, and we see the plate reads: “CLAUDIO ANTILLE.”

Rev. 8/8/66

51. CONTINUED

ARTEMUS
All right, Jim, let’s settle this Murphy-Antille-body-switch theory of yours right now…

And even as Artemus is speaking, he has stooped, taken out a set of picks from his pocket and is carefully probing away at the lock set in the massive iron door—when West who has been manipulating the handle of the door during the above, drops a restraining hand to Artemus’ shoulder.

WEST
Hold it, Artie.

He turns the handle and with the foot-dragging reluctance inherent in a really heavy door, it swings silently open.

ARTEMUS
(happily—putting picks away)
Well, that was careless of them, leaving the front door open like that.

WEST
(thoughtfully)
Yes, wasn’t it?

Playing his torch on the gloom of the interior, West enters, followed by Artemus.

52. INT. CRYPT – NIGHT

It is a tiny, windowless stone chamber, with a stone base in the center, upon which the coffin (the sole coffin) is positioned, the only decorative touch being a bronze gargoyle set into the far wall of the crypt.

West and Artemus sidle around the space between the stone base and the walls to approach the coffin (leaving the door ajar, of course) then begin the business of swiftly unfastening the decorative bolts holding the lid to the coffin…

53. INT. GRAVEYARD – NIGHT

CLOSE TO ANTILLE’S CRYPT. We see a lean figure clad in funereal black materialize out of the darkness, then stealthily sidle around the side of the crypt, approaching the door…

54. INT. ANTILLE’S CRYPT – NIGHT

By now, West and Artemus have managed to undo all the lid bolts and we see them wrestling the lid off the coffin. West reaches into the coffin, rummages around, as if removing a show from the corpse…

55. EXT. GRAVEYARD – NIGHT

A long-fingered, muscular hand steals over the door, closes upon the door handle…

56. INT. GRAVEYARD – NIGHT

West has come up with a shoe in his hand, plays his torch into coffin’s interior, then points within, in a mute invitation for Artemus to see for himself – which Artemus does; then he slowly straightens up, shaking his head wonderingly.

WEST
Any comment?

ARTEMUS
Only four little piggies—which proves beyond a doubt that…

The massive bronze door is suddenly swung shut with a CLA-A-A-A-NG! that batters at West and Artemus with an almost physical impact.

ARTEMUS (CONT’D)
… it’s Toby Murphy!

He and West leap for the door, grasping the sculptured bronze handle that is seen to be turning shut.

57. EXT. ANTILLE’S CRYPT – NIGHT

And now we see Lavendor, both freakishly muscular hands grasping the door handle on his side, twisting with all his might—and with a R-RIPPING SOUND of tortured metal, the handle twists right off the door.

58. INT. ANTILLE’S CRYPT – NIGHT

West wrestled fruitlessly with his handle—now seen to be completely immoveable as a result of Lavendor’s punishing maneuver. West turns to Artemus with a tight-lipped smile.

WEST
The lock’s jammed—no pick will ever open it, now.

It’s the HISSING SOUND that alerts them—they both whirl around to see a stream of crimson smoke pouring out of each nostril of the gargoyle on the wall.

ARTEMUS
What’s that?

WEST
Gas! Hit the desk…!

Both slam to the floor, then Artemus crawls swiftly after West as he makes his way to the door, and swiftly, wordlessly, with handkerchiefs pressed to their mouth and nose, the two engage in a combined operations tactic that is obviously part of their standard operational procedures…

… with West first reaching under his collar and ripping away what seems to be a length of thin rope (it is a thermite impregnated fuse) that he presses against the door (it sticks to the surface readily) until there is a loop of the stuff encircling the door…

… and even before West has finished this, Artemus has dug down for and is waiting with a capsule that looks superficially like a ping-pong ball (it is an ignition device) that he presses onto the encircling fuse, to which it adheres tenaciously…

… and lastly, West clams the bottom of his fist against the capsule and swiftly he and Artemus pull out of range…

… of the instantaneous reaction that follows; the capsule bursts into a SMALL EXPLOSION, and hard on the heels of this, the fuse coiled around the lock begins to burn, creeping along the length of the material, but with a furiously sparkling glow that could only be that of a thermite fuse…

… and with their handkerchiefs pressed tightly to their faces, and the interior filling with the crimson smoke, West and Artemus grimly watch the progress of the fuse as it burns round until, meeting itself, the entire bronze section of the door that it has been encircling drops away… West and Artemus both lunge against the door…

59. EXT. GRAVEYARD – NIGHT

… which swings open, and they stumble out into the gloriously dank, vaporous air of the night, followed by a diminishing pall of crimson smoke, as we

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO



James: Thanks, Artie.
Artemus: "Thanks Artie"! Is that all you can say to me? I've just come back from the grave, risen like Lazarus, and that's what you say? "Thanks, Artie"?
James: Thanks, Artie.
Artemus: It's a pleasure.
- TNOT Pistoleros
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California gal
SS senior field agent

USA
8378 Posts

Posted - 08/02/2009 :  08:56:41  Show Profile


Rev. 8/9/66

ACT THREE

60 THRU 61 OMIT

62. EXT. IRISH BAR – MED.

West and Rose sit facing each other on two stools at the bar. Lighting is low-key, only a couple of lamps still burning. The chairs have been upended on the tables to facilitate sweeping. The whole atmosphere is subdued, a late-night feeling

… as Rose crosses herself, shakes her head and blows her nose.

ROSE
I suppose – I suppose there’s niver any doubt about it?

WEST
(gently)
I’m sorry, Rose – none.

ROSE
(nodding mournfully)
Sure, that’s just like the old man. He used to cadge drinks by pretendin’ to be the mayor of Dublin… Now he’s impersonated himself into the wrong grave.

WEST
There’s a lot more to it than that… We don’t know how it happened yet, but we’re going to find out, I promise.

ROSE
I don’t suppose there was a wake.

WEST
No.

ROSE
That’s the sad thought… He always wanted a grand wake, a four-alarm riot of a wake. He’ll be sorry to have missed that.

WEST
We may need your help in the investigation, Rose… And it may mean some danger for you.

ROSE
I don’t mind that – but what about a proper headstone? Is the old man goin’ through eternity with the wrong name over his head?

WEST
We’ll arrange for the kind of headstone he’d approve of when the case in cleared up… in the meantime we need absolute secrecy. You must not mention this to a soul.

63. ANOTHER ANGLE – TIGHT TWO

Rose nods sadly, then reaches across the bar to bring up two shot glasses and a bottle of Irish whiskey. She pours the two.

page missing

Rev. 8/8/66

64. CONTINUED

ARTEMUS
I’d prefer to examine your facilities as we talk, if you don’t mind.

LAVENDOR
Not at all; our chapel is this way…

He leads toward an inner door, and Artemus follows.

65. INT CHAPEL – ANGLE TOWARDS DOOR

as Lavendor and Artie ENTER, to look the place over.

LAVENDOR
… our décor, as you see is non-denominational… of what faith is the deceased?

ARTEMUS
He’s not dead yet.

LAVENDOR
Oh? I thought you said…

ARTEMUS
Very soon, I hope.

This stops Lavendor for a moment. He gives Artemus a fishy look, but decides to say nothing. A customer is never wrong.

LAVENDOR
The, ah, prospective client—is of the masculine gender?

ARTEMUS
Yes. Does it matter?

Artemus is roving around, tapping on furniture and walls with the cane he carries, playing the fussy customer.

LAVENDOR
The gentler sex, bless their dear departed memories, take a deal more preparation; even in final repose their appearance is of prime concern.

ARTEMUS
The rest of your facilities, if you don’t mind.

LAVENDOR
Of course; come this way, and I’ll show you our slumber room.

Lavendor turns and moves toward another inner door, not the one from the reception room. Artemus follows, eyes darting everywhere.

66. INT. EMBALMING ROOM – MEDIUM

As Lavendor and Artemus ENTER and slowly cross while speaking.

ARTEMUS
Hmm… Nice little workshop.

LAVENDOR
My staff has not arrived yet this morning, so I cannot show you the technical preparations we perform—or does that sort of thing interest you?

ARTEMUS
Profoundly.

LAVENDOR
Let me assure you, everything is done to prepare the client for a glorious life in the hereafter.

ARTEMUS
I’m more concerned about a glorious life in the here-and-now.

Again Lavendor gives Artemus a searching look.

LAVENDOR
Perhaps we should be more specific about this client. Exactly who is he?

Artemus produces a folded sheet of paper from his coat and unfolds just the top half, which is a large photo.

67. INSERT – PICTURE OF ARTEMUS

A letterpress or engraved reproduction of Artemus, not in disguise, with a rather fierce expression. A hand ENTERS FRAME and unfolds the bottom half of the paper—and we see it is a “Wanted” posted, offering a reward for information leading to the arrest of “MARTIN LINK.”

68. TWO SHOT – ARTEMUS AND LAVENDOR

Lavendor examines the poster and picture, remaining deadpan.

LAVENDOR
Interesting face. Friend? Relative? Or…?

ARTEMUS
Look at me closely.

Lavendor does so. He nods in recognition.

LAVENDOR
Yes—neat, quite effective.
(pause)
I could, of course, simply notify the police, Mr. Link.

ARTEMUS
You could, of course, lose yourself a nice, fat fee.

A beat, then Lavendor drops his unctuous affectations—comes crisply to the point.

LAVENDOR
Who sent you here?

ARTEMUS
The contact who recommended you swore me to secrecy… Quite understandably, he prefers to keep his new identity unknown.

LAVENDOR
(glittering smile)
Mr. Link, I’m afraid I can’t swallow that; I keep very complete files on all my alterations, so of course he’d be known to me

During the above, Artemus becomes aware with a barely disguised start, that the massive figure of Golo has loomed up from behind and is advancing stealthily toward him.

LAVENDOR
(softly menacing)
…so once more – Who sent you to me?

69. CLOSE SHOT – ARTEMUS

With the brutish Golo hovering behind him, obviously waiting only for a signal from Lavendor to swing into action; and fine beads of perspiration begin to form on Artemus’ forehead—then he shrugs elaborately.

ARTEMUS
Sorry, I gave my word I wouldn’t mention my friend’s name—but—but
(snatching at a straw)
--but you’d know him by his nickname, all right.

70. BACK TO SCENE

LAVENDOR
(frowning)
Nickname?
(a beat, then:)
Not Gyp? Gyp the Dodger?

Artemus spreads his arms in a rueful “doggone it, you dragged it out of me,” gesture.

ARTEMUS
Try to keep a secret from you!

LAVENDOR
(musing nostalgically)
Well, well, old Gyppo; still running things in Liverpool to suit himself, I suppose?

Artemus makes the “thumb-to-forefinger” gesture in reply—Lavendor nods, then:

LAVENDOR (CONT’D)
And his new face? Still satisfied with it?

ARTEMUS
Satisfied?
(pantomimes gazing lovingly into the mirror)
Constantly!

Lavendor rubs his hands delightedly, then whips out a tape-rule.

LAVENDOR
Well, let us employ each shining hour, eh?
(measuring Artemus’ chest)
Forty, regular, I’d say, offhand—Golo, see what we have in stock, will you…?

71. INT. HOTEL – DAY

TWO PORTERS ARE seen carrying a trunk and other luggage down the curving staircase as West waits to mount the stairs, then he stops, as he sees Leda following after the porters.

WEST
(indicating luggage)
Senora Pellargo – you’re leaving?

LEDA
Is there any reason why I should stay? Here, of all places where…
(she struggles with her emotions for a beat, then)
It is my wish to take up my husband’s duties, to work for his political party… and try to repair the damage done to relations between our two countries by his death.

WEST
That’s a very courageous plan, but –
(a beat)
-- have you considered the personal danger involved… Your husband’s dedication to certain objectives got him killed.

LEDA
That was the act of a single misguided fanatic… that man is dead.

She nods at West, starts to move by, when:

WEST
What if I were to tell you… that Claudio Antille is not dead.

Leda abruptly stops and looks at West incredulously.

LEDA
That is absurd! I saw his body with my own eyes. So did you.

WEST
I think we were both deceived; look, Senora, I have to actual proof at the moment – but my partner Artemus Gordon is working undercover on the case… and within a few days we hope to prove a conspiracy to fake Antille’s death.
(a beat)
Till then, we’d like to provide a guard for you so long as you’re here.

LEDA
(shakes head decisively)
No, he would only be in my way.

WEST
But Senora…

LEDA
I would prefer to hear no more about it, Mr. West.

WEST
(a beat)
Good day, Senora Pellargo.

West turns and moves OFF. CAMERA HOLDS a moment on Leda staring after West, then CAMERA PANS over to drapery covering the entrance to an alcove off to one side – we see the menacing figure of Antille, a gun in his hand.

ZIP PAN TO:

73. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR – RECEPTION ROOM – NIGHT

CAMERA LOOKS toward the street door of the darkened room. A shadow appears outside the glass, then a discreet TAPPING at the door is heard. At once Lavendor ENTERS SCENE, moving to the door to unlock and open it. Artemus ENTERS quickly and the door is shut behind him.

LAVENDOR
You brought the money?

ARTEMUS
In small bills, as requested.

He hands over a bulky envelope to Lavendor who pockets it. Lavendor moves toward the door to the embalming room, with a gesture to Artemus to follow.

74. INT. EMBALMING ROOM – MED. SHOT

Finley and Golo are going quietly about their duties, polishing a coffin, filling jugs with fluid, etc. Lavendor and Artemus ENTER SCENE and move into the middle f.g. Lavendor checks the contents of the payoff envelope as he says:

LAVENDOR
You’re in great good luck, Mr. Link—We just happen to have a fine specimen on hand to serve as your body… that is, if you’re not too particular.

ARTEMUS
Particular? About what?

LAVENDOR
About your manner of death. It will have to be some sort of accident in which the features are slightly damaged.

Artemus gingerly feels his face.

ARTEMUS
Is that really essential?

LAVENDOR
Not your features, of course. Those of your substitute. I’m afraid he does not look enough like you to convince the police.

ARTEMUS
And let us, by all means, convince the police.

LAVENDOR
We shall, Mr. Link, we shall. The body will be yours down to the last scratch, mole and wen. And all your identification will be found on him… as to the face—that will be close enough. Would you prefer, fire, drowning, or a blunt weapon?

ARTEMUS
I’d never given that question much thought.

LAVENDOR
You can think about it while we make our preparations. On the table, if you will…

75. ANGLE FEATURING CENTER TABLE

Artemus sits on the edge of the worktable. Lavendor turns and beckons to the two workmen.

LAVENDOR
Finely—give Mr. Link his final processing.
(to Artemus)
Remove your outer vestments, if you please, and lie down.

The workman comes over to Artemus, who removes his coat and shirt.

ARTEMUS
This is quicker service than I expected.

LAVENDOR
We strive to please. What class of funeral would you prefer?

ARTEMUS
I always travel first class.

LAVENDOR
Quite. In the matter of seating—shall we anticipate many mourners?

ARTEMUS
I like to think so. Mostly beautiful, inconsolably sobbing young ladies.

LAVENDOR
As to the headstone—it’s extra, but I’d recommend it. It always proves that final, convincing bit of evidence to the law-enforcement agencies.

ARTEMUS
(nodding)
Wouldn’t have it any other way. In black marble, please.

During this exchange, Artemus has stretched out and Finley is measuring him in various dimensions and noting the results on a pad while Lavendor checks him over for marks and scars.

LAVENDOR
Have you considered an epitaph?

ARTEMUS
How about – “Gone to a higher court.”

LAVENDOR
Most apt; and I believe that covers everything, except for the final step.

ARTEMUS
I had no idea dying could be so entertaining.

LAVENDOR
(flashing his mirthless smile)
The entertainment, if I may say so, is just beginning.
(calling off)
Golo!

Rev. 8/9/66

75. CONTINUED

Artemus looks off casually and watches Golo’s huge bulk insinuating itself through a doorway and approaching him—and then for the first time he realizes that Finley and Golo are both hovering over him—and that Lavendor’s smile has fled, replaced by an icy-cold, deadpan expression.

ARTEMUS
(looking around, smiling)
What—what’s the matter, gentleman?

He starts to rise, and Golo’s ham-like hand comes into contact with his chest, collapsing him flat again.

LAVENDOR
The final step I mentioned; very soon, now, you will make your escape. You will put down this burdensome identity; in short –
(pulls off mustache)
-- you will cease to be Artemus Gordon, secret agent for the United States government.

Artemus looks around the tableau of menace emanating from every side, then:

ARTEMUS
Did you ever get that nagging suspicion that something has gone wrong?

FADE OUT

END OF ACT THREE



James: Thanks, Artie.
Artemus: "Thanks Artie"! Is that all you can say to me? I've just come back from the grave, risen like Lazarus, and that's what you say? "Thanks, Artie"?
James: Thanks, Artie.
Artemus: It's a pleasure.
- TNOT Pistoleros
Go to Top of Page

California gal
SS senior field agent

USA
8378 Posts

Posted - 08/02/2009 :  08:57:41  Show Profile





ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

76. INT. ALLEY – NIGHT

An abstracted, worried-looking West is seen with Rose as they walk the length of the alley seen before.

ROSE
Mr. Gordon in trouble! Ah, the poor lad! Which jail?

WEST
Worse than any jail – he’s in an undertaking establishment; he didn’t show up last night, and—
(shrugging)
Anyway, Rose, now I need the help I asked of you before.

ROSE
You’re on! What do you want done – and what rascal do you want it done to?

WEST
Nothing like that. Can you be a grief-stricken widow?

ROSE
Faith, me, whose never gotten around to being a wife yet…

WEST
I want to locate Lavendor’s files; the idea is for you to keep him and his staff as busy as possible in the front office while I enter the back way, and…

He has drawn abreast of the bill-poster previously seen and while he speaks he glances casually at it, and something about it grabs him – he stares at the poster, his words dying away…

page missing

79. CLOSE SHOT – ROSE

crying, weeping and wailing, as CAMERA PULLS BACK to show we are in:

80. INT. FUNERAL RECEPTION ROOM – DAY

With Lavendor’s sickly courteousness wearing thin as Rose wails on:

ROSE
Poor Patrick – me own devoted husband – gone to his untimely reward…!

LAVENDOR
(soothingly)
There, there, dear lady, you mustn’t…

ROSE
Such a good, gentle lad, he was, too – except when he’d had a few…!

CAMERA MOVES IN on a CLOSE SHOT of Lavendor, barely controlling his annoyance…

81. INT. FUNERAL ALCOVE – DAY

The wall panel we saw before slides back – and we see West, crouching tensely, preparing for anything – then he straightens up as he sees that he is alone. He steps from the passageway and begins to prowl… SOUND of Rose’s occasional WAILS and MUTED AD LIB SOOTHINGS from Lavendor are heard from O.S. West takes a quick look around, then moves to the door leading to the embalming room.

82. INT. EMBALMING ROOM – MEDIUM

Golo is at work, shifting supplies around. We see him stack an empty coffin on top of two others, then he turns to move a barrel marked “Formaldehyde.” As he bends over it, West moves up quickly behind him, seizes him by the carotid pressure points. Golo slumps down. West pulls the bung on the barrel and sloshes some of the liquid on the floor around him. SOUND of chains rattling gets a reaction from West. He looks around and spots a door in the far wall. It is armored, with a small vent out high in it, covered with iron mesh. West moves quickly to the door, finding it locked.

83. INT. FUNERAL PARLOR – RECEPTION ROOM

Lavendor is still trying ineffectually to calm Rose. She is leaning heavily on him, SOBBING and pounding his chest.

LAVENDOR
Please, Madame… if you’ll just try –

ROSE
Oh!... Oh!... I do believe I’m going to faint!... Everything is going dark.

Lavendor supports Rose, turning to call over his shoulder.

LAVENDOR
Finley! Help me! Get some water!

84. ANOTHER ANGLE – TOWARD INNER DOOR

Finley comes hurrying through doorway. He carries a pitcher of water and a glass. He moves to help Lavendor as he staggers with Rose.

ROSE
Ah, poor, poor Patrick!... He’s gone!

And with a final WAIL, she keels over. Lavendor and Finley keep her from falling hard. Finley begins sprinkling a few drops of water over her from the pitcher.

85. INT. EMBALMING ROOM – ANGLE ON ARMORED DOOR

West moves up close to the door and whispers at the opening:

WEST
Artie? … you in there?

ARTEMUS’ VOICE
Jim! Glad you could make it…

WEST
In case you’re worrying – don’t – I’ll get you out.

ARTEMUS’ VOICE
Don’t wait too long. I’m scheduled for an early departure.

WEST
I’ve got to find the files. Any clues?

ARTEMUS’ VOICE
I heard ‘em say something about the chapel. Try there.

WEST
Right. Don’t go away…

West turns and moves toward the door to the chapel.

86. INT. RECEPTION ROOM – GROUP SHOT – ROSE AND OTHERS

Lavendor and Finley are still working around Rose, chafing her wrists, sprinkling her with water, and so on. She’s coming out of her supposed faint.

ROSE
Oh, poor Michael… he’s dead!

LAVENDOR
(sharply)
I though you said his name was Patrick?

For about one second, Rose’s eye register alarm at this slip, then she resumes her act again.

ROSE
(between sobs)
Patrick’s me husband… and Michael’s me brother… they were in the same accident. Oh, what a terrible double loss! Terrible! Terrible, terrible…!

And with another WAIL she falls back again. Lavendor turns to Finley.

LAVENDOR
We’ve got to bring her around and get her out of here!

Finley turns and moves for the door to the embalming room.

87. INT. EMBALMING ROOM – MEDIUM FULL

Finley enters, moves to a shelf and grabs a large bottle of smelling salts. As he turns to leave, he spots Golo, still slumped to the floor beside the keg of formaldehyde. Finley reacts, then hurries off through the door he entered.

88. INT. RECEPTION ROOM – MEDIUM

Finley moves quickly to Lavendor, still working over Rose, and whispers in his ear. Big reaction from Lavendor.

LAVENDOR
What!... Search the entire place! At once!

Finley scrambles to do as ordered.

89. INT. CHAPEL – ANGLE ON PULPIT

West stands behind the raised pulpit or lectern, feeling over it for concealed drawers. SOUND of a door slamming and hurrying footsteps approaching. West reacts; and dives into the hollow lower portion of the pulpit.

90. FULL SHOT OF CHAPEL

as the door from the embalming room bursts open, and Finely enters and takes a quick look around. The entire place is apparently open and empty.

91. CLOSE ON WEST

Scrunched up inside the pulpit, knees tucked under his chin. He looks up at the wood close above his head – and finds himself looking at a panel with a keyhole, as in a desk drawer.

92. INT. RECEPTION ROOM – LAVENDOR AND ROSE

Lavendor holds the open bottle of smelling salts under Rose’s nose until she can’t stand it any more, and starts coughing.

ROSE
Enough! … I’m all right now!

LAVENDOR
(through his teeth)
I’m sorry, Madame, but you’ll have to leave at once.

ROSE
But what about me dear departed ones?

LAVENDOR
Try some funeral parlor that specializes in hysterics.

Lavendor is hustling Rose toward the street door. As they near it, Rose yanks loose from him and faces him angrily.

ROSE
See if I ever bring you any more business! You… you glorified taxidermist!

She slaps Lavendor a good one across the face, then exits, slamming the door after her. Lavendor quickly locks it, then hurries toward the back.

93. ANOTHER ANGLE – TOWARD INNER DOOR

As Lavendor approaches, the door to the embalming room opens and Golo enters, reeling and rubbing the back of his head.

LAVENDOR
What’s the matter with you?
(sniffing)
You’d better stop sampling the formaldehyde, do you hear?

ZIP PAN TO:

94. EXT. STREET – MEDIUM SHOT – NIGHT

A horse carriage, its luggage rack piled high with trunks and suitcases, rolls along TOWARD AND PAST CAMERA.

95. INT. CARRIAGE – TIGHT TWO SHOT

Leda is in a close embrace with a man, kissing him warmly. As they pull apart, we see (hopefully with great surprise) that the man is Antille in his new identity.

LEDA
(giggling)
Darling, now I know what’s so new [and] strange about your kiss – no moustache!

ANTILLE
Once we’re aboard the ship, I’ll grow another.

LEDA
Don’t you dare.

They embrace and kiss again.

ANTILLE
I have only one regret. I should have disposed of your husband years ago.

LEDA
He was a bit of a vain, pompous bore, wasn’t he?... Forever posing for his photograph…

They melt into another clinch, as we

ZIP PAN TO:

96. INT. EMBALMING ROOM – CLOSE IN ON ARTEMUS – NIGHT

Artemus, looking the worse for wear, is again stretched out on the work table in the embalming room. He is handcuffed.

ARTEMUS
I’ve thought it over and the deal is off. I want my money back.

CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal the group – Golo, Lavendor, and Finley.

LAVENDOR
Sorry, Mr. Gordon. But you will prove doubly useful, as it happens. I have an order for a body just your size.

ARTEMUS
You mean, I’m subbing for some crook at his funeral?

LAVENDOR
Exactly… your last official act in this world will be to provide a new life for a vicious criminal.
(ironic smile)
Amusing, isn’t it?

ARTEMUS
I can hardly keep from laughing.

Lavendor turns and calls toward the open door to the chapel.

LAVENDOR
Finley – bring in Mr. Gordon’s coffin. He’s ready now.

Finley ENTERS, pushing the coffin on a wheeled chart. He brings it up beside the work table. Lavendor moves in to Artemus, flexing his hands.

LAVENDOR (CONT’D)
(to Golo and Finley)
Remove the lid, gentlemen.
(to Artemus)
Farewell, Mr. Gordon.

Golo and Finley take hold of the coffin lid to remove it, Lavendor grabs Artemus by the throat and starts to choke him.

97. ANGLE – FEATURING COFFIN

as the lid flips up on its hinges, making violent contact with Finely, then West suddenly sits up, a pen size gas gun in his hand. He lets go a brief spray directly into Golo’s face, then another into the face of Lavendor.

A lot of action takes place almost at once here. Lavendor lets go of Artemus and staggers back, choking and wiping his eyes. (This is a tear-gas type, not a knock-out gas.) Artemus swings his feet over the side of the table and sits up. West springs out of the coffin and shames Golo a terrific punch before he can recover from the gas, and Golo goes down. Finely recovers, jumps at West, but Artemus uses his wide metal handcuffs to club him into oblivion.

Golo shakes his head clear and smacks Artemus a hard blow, but West grabs the coffin lid and whirls it around to catch Golo in the back of his skull and lays him out. Then as Lavendor lunges toward West, he follows through and lays Lavendor out with the back swing of the coffin lid.

98. ANGLE FEATURING ARTEMUS

He leans back against the work table, breathing hard.

ARTEMUS
What kept you?

WEST
It was so cozy in there I must have dozed off… you weren’t worried, I hope.

ARTEMUS
Oh, no. Not for a moment.

During this exchange, West frisks Lavendor for the keys then unlocks the handcuffs from Artemus. They glance around at the bodies.

WEST
They’re all resting quietly. Let’s get Lavendor’s record files.

ARTEMUS
You found them?

WEST
Not only did I find them but I riffled through a few entries and found that the old boy has been collecting blackmail from his customers too.

West leads the way toward the door to the chapel – Artemus following.

99. INT. CHAPEL – TOWARD ALTAR

They move to the altar, and West ducks down into the pulpit where he hid before. He hands out a thick bundle of file folders to Artemus, who leafs through them lovingly.

ARTEMUS
Nice that he kept these up to date.

WEST
Yes, very thoughtful; about the only detail he left out is where Antille is headed for…

ANTILLE’S VOICE
… and I’ll be glad to supply that data.

West and Artemus look up, reacting, as CAMERA ANGLES to show Antille and Leda stepping through the opening from the secret passage into the chapel. Antille holds a gun leveled at West and Artemus.

ANTILLE
It occurred to me that I might find you and your colleague here.

WEST
That’s not a very good disguise, Antille.

ANTILLE
It has proved adequate so far. And anyone who might question it will very soon be dead…
(motions with gun)
Into the other room, quickly.

West and Artemus, still carrying the file folders are herded ahead of Antille and Leda toward the embalming room.

100. OMIT

101. INT. EMBALMING ROOM – MED. FULL

West and Artemus ENTER followed by Antille and Leda. Golo and Finely are still stretched out cold, but Lavendor GROANS and rises to sitting position, holding his head groggily.

ANTILLE
You two did a remarkable job. Too bad it has to be spoiled at the last moment.

WEST
I understand now how you stayed one step ahead of us –
(turns to Leda)
The devoted Senora Pellargo, devoted – to Mr. Antille.

LEDA
You should know, Mr. West… a woman never does anything for political reasons.

Lavendor gets to his feet, takes a few steps toward Antille.

LAVENDOR
Antille—you’re a welcome sight!
(pointing a shaking finger at West and Artemus)
Finish them off, go on!

ANTILLE
Precisely why I returned.
(to West)
In my work, I find that loose ends are not only messy, but dangerous.

WEST
How do you feel about blackmail?

ANTILLE
(narrow-eyed)
What do you mean?

WEST
I’m talking about the kind of operator Lavendor has been running—on his clients.

West holds out a sheaf of papers to Antille as Lavendor gives out with a very unconvincing burst of LAUGHTER. Antille watchfully skims the material, never relaxing his vigilance for a moment.

LAVENDOR
There’s an imaginative liar for you, eh?

He cuts loose with another BURST OF LAUGHTER that trails away as he sees Antille’s eyes measuring him coldly.

LAVENDOR
Look, don’t tell me you really believe that – that I –
(caving in)
All right, so I did dabble a little in – but not with you, Antille, honest!

Suddenly his nerves give way and he lunges at Antille, who fires pointblank. Lavendor falls heavily to the ground.

ANTILLE
(to West and Artemus)
Throw the records down, gentlemen.
(West and Artemus comply)
Let’s have a nice, blazing bonfire, eh?
(to Leda)
Strike a match, darling.

As Leda strikes a wooden match, starts to apply it to the records, Antille stops her.

ANTILLE (CONT’D)
Wait, dear, let’s have a real blaze!
(pointing)
Mr. West, pour alcohol over the records.

With Leda’s match flaring away, West takes the indicated jug of alcohol, starts to pour it over the records, then suddenly, with a lunging motion, he sluices alcohol all over Antille, just as Leda is about to toss the match to the records.

WEST
Go ahead, Senora, throw the match!

ANTILLE
(hoarsely – backing away)
No, Leda, don’t!

Leda quickly extinguishes the match, as Antille turns his gun and hate-filled face toward West.

ANTILLE (CONT’D)
I’m going to take particular delight in seeing that you die, Mr. West – slowly, exquisitely, painfully…!

Even as he speaks, West flicks a button off his cuff and we see that it is a lighter as it flares up.

WEST
Go ahead, Antille, let’s see if you can keep me from tossing this flame your way, with a bullet—or two bullets…

Antille swallows hard, his eyes wavering indecisively as they meet West’s; then:

ANTILLE
Look, Mr. West, let’s make a deal…

WEST
(suddenly stern)
All right; drop your gun – right now!

Antille drops his gun; West blows out the lighter, and suddenly Antille is on him in a furious charge that lasts just long enough for West to duck, drive a hard right into Antille’s middle, then follow up with a left that sends him to the floor, out…

… just as Rose Murphy ENTERS from the reception room, a bartender’s bung-starter in her hand. She shakes the heavy wooden mallet irritably at West.

ROSE
Just how long did you expect me to wait out there in that carriage for you?

WEST
You waited long enough, Rose. I’m glad you decided to come in.

FADE OUT:

END ACT FOUR

Rev. 8/8/66

EPILOGUE

FADE IN:

102. INT. IRISH BAR – FULL SHOT – NIGHT

A fairly good crowd indulging in the usual riot and mayhem as seen earlier. (In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if it were the same shot.)

103. ANGLE AT END OF BAR – WEST, ARTEMUS AND ROSE

Rose is wearing her barmaid costume, what there is of it. She is serving up two big schooners of beer to West and Artemus.

WEST
I am sorry I kept you waiting so long outside the undertaker’s.

ROSE
I didn’t mind so much – but I was getting worried about you – and when I heard the shot I decided I’d better take matters into me own hands.

ARTEMUS
Just one question, Rose – where did you get the wooden mallet?

Rose reaches behind the bar and holds up the bung-starter she used in the last scene.

ROSE
You mean this? I keep it on hand for tapping a fresh keg now and again.

ARTEMUS
But you had it with you…

ROSE
When I’m off work I carry it in me purse. It’s handy for breaking windows or discouragin’ rash young men from takin’ liberties.

WEST
We’ll see that you get a reward for helping to capture Antille and break up the Lavendor gang.

ARTEMUS
Thanks to you, we’ll be rounding up a lot of famous criminals.

ROSE
Ah… it’ll be reward enough for me to get a proper Christian headstone over me father. I do feel like celebratin’ that.

WEST
Then perhaps when you get off work this evening…

ARTEMUS
He took the words from between my very teeth.

ROSE
(smiling
You’re a fine pair of lads, the both of you… but I’ve already got an engagement.

WEST
But, consider… we are not mere men. We represent law, and justice…

ROSE
(looks off)
Here comes me boyfriend now…

104. ANGLE TOWARDS DOOR

Just entering, then moving up toward the bar, is an IRISH COP, of a size to make Hoss Cartwright look like a war orphan.

105. BACK TO THREE SHOT – WEST, ARTEMUS AND ROSE

ROSE
Now that’s what I call a law man.

WEST
I’ll drink to that.

He and Artemus lift their mugs, clink, and drink.

FADE OUT:

THE END


James: Thanks, Artie.
Artemus: "Thanks Artie"! Is that all you can say to me? I've just come back from the grave, risen like Lazarus, and that's what you say? "Thanks, Artie"?
James: Thanks, Artie.
Artemus: It's a pleasure.
- TNOT Pistoleros
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