SABATINI ISLAND

FADE IN

Right where we left off. West glances at the torch. The flame is fading with the decrease in oxygen in the airtight pit. Time to leave. West pulls out the winch and peton rig once again, loads the peton into the derringer, and fires straight up. The peton buries itself in the wood next to the trap-door.

West carefully starts the winch a' windin' and shortly finds himself up next to the trap-door. West begins swinging in preparation to take a kick at the door when it's suddenly pulled open.

ANGLE -- ROOM WITH PIT

Sir Nigel Scott finds himself staring West right in the face.

SCOTT
(all business)
Right. There you are, James. Quit hanging around and get up here.

WEST
Oh, very funny. Give me a hand, will you?

SCOTT
(a bit indignant)
What? And soil this fine scotch wool?

WEST
(annoyed)
We aren't being watched now -- you can drop the act.

SCOTT
(indicating Schwartz)
What about that fellow?

WEST
Artie!

Artie/Scott offers West his hand and yanks him through the trap door.

ARTIE/SCOTT
(accent gone)
Sorry Jim, just can't resist an audience -- even a dead one.

West glances at Howell. Artie shakes his head.

WEST
Where's our merry little band of murderers?

ARTIE
Merrily being led down the primrose path. They fell for your bogus interpretation of the rhyme completely. Going from house to house looking for some artifact that can be related to the plague last time I saw them. That should keep them out of our way for a little while.

WEST
You've had time to solve the puzzle proper.

ARTIE
I think so. We've got a bit of a walk ahead of us.

WEST
Lead on, Sir Nigel.

West and Artie exit.

EXT -- WILDS OF SABATINI ISLAND -- NIGHT

Fighting the fierce winds, West and Artie make their way through the brush; the BRAYING of the hound sounds uncomfortably close.

WEST
(above the wind)
You going to tell me why you're here disguised as Sir Nigel instead of back in Washington, catching up on all that paperwork?

Artie removes most of the disguise as he goes…

ARTIE
Long story, kind of irrelevant now except to say that Colonel Richmond thought you might need some help on this one.

WEST
I *had* help…

ARTIE
(glancing around)
Yeah. [BEAT] That hell-hound seems to hate Secret Service agents more than your average man-on-the-street. I've shot that damn dog three times at close range and he's still running around.

EXT - CLEARING WITH SMALL COPSE

West and Artie emerge into a relative clearing (clear of dense undergrowth) and move to the odd trees at its center. Artie extracts a piece of paper from his pocket.

WEST
Well, Sherlock?

ARTIE
(mock irritation)
Sir Nigel.
(reads)
"Ring around the ashes, sporting thick black sashes."
There's the obvious reference to the Bubonic plague, but then there's the possibility it refers to another type of ash.

West stares at the trees.

WEST
(realization)
Ash trees. They're not indigenous to the island. Someone's planted these Black Ashes here.

ARTIE
A long time ago, judging by their size.

WEST
Ring around the ashes?

Artie indicates an old bell tower, barely seen through the copse.

WEST
"Ring around the ashes."
Got to be it.

ARTIE
(continues reading)
"Pose-y, pose-y - we all fall down?"

WEST
Pose a question.

ARTIE
More exact, in French pose-y is an implied third-person command, meaning "ask here", or "asks here".

WEST
Ask here? Ask what?

ARTIE
How about 'we all fall down?'

West looks up at the largest tree.

WEST
Fall down from the tree.

West scales the largest of the Black Ash trees in no time as Artie watches from below.

ANGLE ON WEST IN ASH

West pulls his knife from the back of his jacket and starts working on part of the tree with the blade.

WEST
(from branches)
Heads up.

ANGLE ON COPSE

West drops a long metal case from above, black streamers follow the case down as Artie catches it. Artie works on the lock while West descends from the tree.

THE METAL CASE

As West hits the ground, the case finally opens revealing a large number of uncut diamonds. The largest the size of a softball.

BACK TO COPSE

Our heroes stand in awe of the gems for a [BEAT] or two.

ARTIE
I believe we're looking at the Sabatini Treasure, James.

WEST
How long do you suppose these gems were up there?

VOICE
(from OS)
Twenty-eight years to be precise, Jim.

ANOTHER ANGLE

From OS, Ned Brown steps into the clearing, much to the short-lived astonishment of West and Artie. He has a .44 aimed at our heroes.

BROWN
(slight sarcasm)
Good to see you, Artemus. Or should I say Sir Nigel? [BEAT] You actually had me fooled.

ARTIE
(smart-ass mode)
And I was all set to go on and on to Colonel Richmond about how heroically you died, and he probably would have cleared your service record, and maybe -- just maybe -- you'd have received a medal posthumously. [BEAT] This resurrection ruins everything, you know.

BROWN
I think you and Jim's brilliant recovery of the Sabatini Treasure more than makes up for the medal. A bit of deduction worthy of Doctor Calandar himself, I'd say.

ARTIE
Jim, did I mention that Agent Brown seems to think he's the late Jacob Calandar?

WEST
The late Doctor Calandar. The late Ned Brown. Or should I say 'the late Jonas Grumby?' That *is* who impersonated you after you killed him and let your pet dog have him for a chew-toy.

BROWN
I knew you'd find the treasure given enough time, and I faked my death to severely reduce any suspicion which may have come my way. [BEAT] And yes, that's even my hound.

ARTIE
That explains his "taste" for Secret Service Agents.

BROWN
(smugly)
You're feeling so smart this evening, Artemus -- tell me what's next.

Artie and West exchange looks.

ARTIE
Kill us. You agree Jim?

WEST
(nods)
And frame the hound.

BROWN
(annoyed)
First toss me those gems -- *carefully*, gentlemen. Don't forget how familiar I am with your bag of tricks.

Artie and West exchange another glance, then back to Brown and his gun. No escape route yet, so Artie carefully tosses the gem case to Brown. Brown trains his non-specific aim now directly on Artie.

BROWN (CONT'D)
Lose the jacket, vest and sleeve rig, Jim. And be very careful about it, or you'll lose a partner for the second time tonight.

West slowly complies.

ARTIE
You could just leave now, Ned. Take the last boat on this rock and Jim and I'd be stranded here with Hecuba's avaricious clan.

BROWN
As if you two wouldn't find a way off and be hot on my trail in no time, Artemus. I don't think so.

West finishes complying. Brown's aim goes to West, but he speaks to Artie.

BROWN (CONT'D)
Your turn, 'Sir Nigel'. The cloak please.

Neither West nor Artie are very pleased about giving up their private arsenals. The cloak is shed and Brown's aim goes back to Artie.

BROWN (CONT'D)
All right, let's go. Straight to that nice little launch Artemus used to sneak onto Sabatini Island. [BEAT] You first, Jim, and so help me -- you make one quick move of *any* kind, I kill Artemus, then you.

The trio heads north into the brush, West then Artie followed by Brown who clutches the gems in one hand and the .44 in the other.

SWITCH TO

EXT -- NORTH SHORE CLIFFS -- NIGHT

The trio works thier way through the brush near the cliff. Both West and Artie carefully scan for any sign of an escape route.

ANOTHER ANGLE

As they reach the cliff edge, Artie suddenly disappears over the edge -- poof! Brown is shocked. He freezes for an instant. West kicks the gun out of Brown's hand and turns to take him on…

REVERSE ANGLE

… when a great black SNARLING blur comes flying in from OS. It nearly knocks West over the cliff as well as it lunges for Brown.

Brown and the beast roll away from the precipice. The SOUND of the tearing of human flesh is heard.

ANGLE ON WEST

No hesitation -- West leaves Brown with his hound and throws himself down to peer over the cliff.

WEST'S POV

Artie standing on a small outcropping some ten feet below.

ANGLE - BROWN

Wounded badly, a terrified Brown manages to get away from the hound, grabs the .44, and runs into the brush, OS- the hound in hot pursuit.

BACK TO WEST, ARTEMUS

West gives his partner a hand and soon the two agents are standing at the cliff edge again. Artie reaches down and picks up the dropped gem case.

West stars in the direction Brown and his pet disappeared.

WEST
Odds on the hound.

ARTIE
(following his stare)
I'm not sticking around to find out who wins that bet.

Our two heroes ditch it and head straight for the launch…

FADE TO

INT -- THE TRAIN -- DAY

West has his personal arsenal laid out on the table and is fiddling with some piece of lethal equipment. Take your choice of which one.

The door to the front car opens and Artie enters, moves to the couch, lays down and puts his feet up on the arm.

ARTIE
(stretching)
Ah- it's nice to be home....

WEST
(looking up)
I can't believe I'm going to say this, but -- [BEAT]

(deadpan)
I may have actually missed you, Artie.

ARTIE
(mock indignity)
*May* have? Next time -you- go back to Washington and -I- stay behind. See what a month or two of paperwork does for you.

WEST
What do you want to officially tell the Colonel about this case?

ARTIE
Depends on what we want to do about Lovia et al.

WEST
Who all's left on that rock?

ARTIE
(thinking)
Erm… Gillig… the quisling too.

WEST
The businessman, and the widow.

ARTIE
The kept woman -- the advocate, and the ward.

WEST
All on that nearly lifeless rock known as Sabatini Island. [BEAT] Let's just leave them there.

ARTIE
(sitting up and looking at Jim)
What? Just maroon them there, all alone?

WEST
Don't forget the hound.

ARTIE
(touch sadistically)
The seven of them having to stay on that deserted island, depending upon one another just to survive… Serves justice and cuts down the paperwork. Brown and Hecuba's horde deserve one another.

WEST
It's settled then. You just write up that report for the Colonel --

ARTIE
(cutting him off)
No way. YOU write up that report. I'm not doing *anything* that might remind Richmond that I'm out here rather than back in Washington.

WEST
Washington's a cushy assignment, Artie.

ARTIE
Then you go. [BEAT] I don't know how he does it, but the Colonel manages to find someone to make my life miserable every time I'm back there. This time it was a temperamental diva!

FADE TO BLACK

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