WILD WILD WEST:  SEASON FOUR


THE NIGHT OF THE BIG BLACKMAIL

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[Artie] I was hoping that you would bring it to me. 

   

[Jim] Artie, when are you going to get rid of that cat?
[Artie] Listen, he stowed aboard in Denver, Iím going to see to it that he gets home. 

   

[Jim] That ought to lend a certain interest to the proceedings, sir. 

   

[Artie] Because when you say Ďsupervisorsí your nose crinkles up in the most adorable way, did you know that? 
[Artie]  Well Sir, he said something about wanting to show the Big Dipper to the daughter of the Lithuanian Ambassador.

   

[Artie] I could have sworn she was Lithuanian.

   

[Artie] Did it ever occur to you that red might mean danger?

   

[Artie] For instance, red for fire, fire of explosion?
[Jim] What would they want to explode?
[Artie] People who fool around with their levers. 

   

[Artie] Well three cheers for the research department!

   

[Artie] Well theyíre expecting a show Ö I see no reason to disappoint them. 

   

[Artie] It was just a thought Ö
[Jim] Iím glad it was just a thought, Artie.

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THE NIGHT OF THE JUGGERNAUT

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[Jim] Itís nice to see you bearing up so well, Artie.

   

[Artie] Oh, you know me, James. I was never one to believe in pampering myself in any way.

   

[Artie] You know, I think it would work much better if you held me real tight. Oh yes, thatís much betterÖ 

   

[Artie] I worked out the formula for this while lying on my bed of pain.

   

[Jim] Alright, Artie, where are they?

   

[Jim] The last time I saw you, you looked as if youíd never walk again without the help of those nurses.

   

[Artie] Oh, jest if you will, James my boy. Only my grit, my pluck and my iron determination enabled me to be up and about Ö and I havenít been wasting my time. 

   

[Artie] Stand back, James my boy. I donít want anyone hurt in the process. 

   

[Artie] Alright, hold tight and keep your fingers crossed!

   

[Artie] You alright, friend? Your jawís hanging kind of low.
[Artie] You are the salt of the earth. A gentleman and a scholar.
[Artie] And to this great country of ours Ö and the men who make sacrifices on her behalf.
[Jim] Weíre not getting anything accomplished this way.
[Artie] Iím waitingÖ 
[Artie] Actually, it was kind of fun in a way, wasnít it? 

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THE NIGHT OF THE FUGITIVES

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[Artie] You get more absent minded every day. Look what you forgot back there at the saloon.
[Jim]  Oh, thank you.
[Artie] You're welcome.

   

[Artie] Jim, can I Ö
[Jim] Artie, let me hold it for you.
[Artie] Wait a minute. Iíve got plenty of room in my pocket. Thereís no reasonó
[Jim] It would be my pleasure!

   

[Artie] Once you get a hold of it thatís the last I see of it.
[Jim] Iím sure youíve looked at itó 

   

[Jim] Artie, you know, thatís what I like about working with you. Youíre always thinking about our future.
[Artie] Oh, thank you, James.

   

[Artie] Would you deny a condemned man one last small pleasure?

   

[Artie] It has to be the handiwork of some handmaiden of Satanís.

   

[Artie] I say, as shepherd of the flock, I should go out and join in the search for a lost sheep!

   

[Artie] Oh, thatís fine. Fine.

   

[Jim] I want to welcome you to Epitaph.
[Artie] Thank you very much. 

   

[Jim] Artie, itís not like you to withhold evidence!

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THE NIGHT OF THE AVARICIOUS ACTUARY

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Artie relates the tale of the Lady from Niger who smiled as she road on a tigerÖ.

   

[Jim] I liked it better the other way, Artie.
[Artie] I knew a pretty face would bring you around!

   

[Taney] Ö The devil!
[Artie] No, sir. Secret service.

   

[Artie] While youíre doing that Iíll rub shoulders with the wealthy set.

   

[Artie] I quit! Iím a none to work in no hash house!

   

[Artie] Well, now that weíve had the grand tour, shall we get started? Iíve got a table waiting for dinner.

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THE NIGHT OF THE PISTOLAROS

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[Jim] Someone just invited us to dinner, pal.

   

[Artie] Whoíd want to be stuck in this isolated place?

[Artie] Anybody home?
[Artie] Looks like we were expected.
[Artie] Iím afraid I do. 
[Jim] Did I hear Big Mouth correctly?
[Artie] Yup. Theyíre going to hang you and take me with them. No hard feelings, Jim.
[Jim] I resent that.
[Jim] You heard the man, Artie. He said drop it.
[Artie] Guess Iíd better.
[Jim] What do you think they have planned for you, Artie?
[Artie] I donít want to wait and find out.
[Jim] Artie, why do you suppose they wanted to kill me and capture you?
[Artie] Maybe Iím more valuable, thatís all.
[Jim] Letís quit playing with them, huh Artie?
[Artie] Sorry amigo. 
[Artie] Now that doesnít do me justice. 
[Artie] Could you make an exception?
[Artie] What are we doing alone on a night like this? A night like this was made for female companionship.
[Jim] Artie! Where the devilíve you been?
[Artie] ĎThanks Artie?í Is that all you can say to me? Iíve just come back from the grave, risen like Lazarus, and thatís what you say? ĎThanks Artie?í
[Jim] Thanks Artie.
[Artie] Itís a pleasure.

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Dedicated with heartfelt appreciation to the memory of ROSS MARTIN.

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Page last modified November 7, 1999.
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