WILD WILD WEST: SEASON TWO


THE NIGHT OF THE RAVEN

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[Loveless]  Well, cheery-bye all, for now. 

   

[Artie]  Next time, knock.

   

 Musical Interlude: Loveless & Antoinette/Sloop John B

   

[Artie] The damsel in distress is no damsel.

   

[Artie] In that case letís change our quarters. This room is beginning to depress me.

   

[Artie] We wonít try to escape? Where did he get that ridiculous notion?

   

[Artie] You keep that up youíre never going to make president of our fan club

   

[Jim] Are you alright?
[Artie] Well I have felt better.

   

[Loveless] Come back Ö you Ö you Fraidy Cat!

   

[Loveless] Donít be absurd. I am a genius.
[Jim]  Youíll never pull it off.
[Loveless] I will so!

   

[Jim] Well, here goes nothing.
[Artie] You mean everythingÖ

   

[Jim] History is against you. Your history.

   

[Artie] Just like home.

   

[Artie] Just like a jack-in-the-box!

   

[Loveless] Isnít she the cutest thing? I could just cuddle her to pieces. Sic him, pussycat! Sic him!

   

[Artie] You would if you knew Loveless as well as we do. 

   

[Loveless] Soon the whole world will be forced to look up to Dr. Miguelito Loveless.

   

[Artie] Nobody said we were neatÖ 

   

[Loveless] Thereís only room for one in my new world. My glorious new world. 

   

[Artie] Itís not your fault. Youíre just unlucky. 

   

[Artie] Youíve said that before, many times.
[Loveless] And I say it again Ė now, Mr. Gordon Ö on the floor!

   

[Loveless] Ah, there you are.
[Artie]  No, you have us confused with somebody else. Weíre over there.
[Loveless] Mr. Gordon, youíre such a wit!

   

[Loveless] Get to the point, Mr. West.

   

[Jim] So itís a trap. Do you have any other suggestions?
[Artie]  You might ring the front bell. 

   

[Artie] Youíre not serious, are you?

   

[Loveless] He will have found his Garden of Eden.
[Artie] If I remember correctly, there was a snake in that garden.
[Loveless] Very clever, Mr. Gordon.
[Artie] I knew youíd appreciate it.

   

[Loveless] You, Mr. Gordon. You didnít play fair! You cheated.
[Artie] A weakness. So sue me! 

   

[Jim] I was wrong. He still surprises me. 

   

[Artie] Itís bad enough being Lovelessí prisoner, but this hanging around waiting for something to happen is killing me! 

   

[Artie] Dr. Loveless wouldnít likeÖ 

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THE NIGHT OF THE LORD OF LIMBO

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[Artie] Many are called but only few are chosen.

   

[Artie] Last one out is a rotten egg.

   

[Artie/Jack] Thatís right. They have 2 pistols, havenít they? 

   

[Jim] We were speaking about Mr. Gordon.
[NBV] No, Mr. West. You were. My topic was dinner.

   

[Jim] You present a problem, Colonel. I donít know whether to applaud, or sink to my knees.

   

[NBV] No question of divinity, Mr. West. They are just magicianís illusions. The art of legerdemain.

   

[Jim] And since you brought it up, where is Mr. Gordon? 

   

[NBV] Abu the Magnificent, sees all, knows all, tells all!

   

[NBV] So! The weary way-worn wanderer is returned. Pleasant trip? 

   

[Artie] Youíre Abu the Magnificent, arenít you? Youíre the one who sent me off on King Solomonís throne.

   

[Jim] The Colonel is a rather unique travel agent.
[Artie] And a most unusual magician, too.

   

[Artie] Thatís funny, I could have sworn I was wounded. No. No, I was dead. Oh, what an awful dream!
[NBV] Was it, Mr. Gordon?

   

[Artie/Jack] Sorry if Iím late, gentlemen, but I stopped for a small libation.

   

[Artie/Jack] You insulted me last night, you should have apologized last night. 

   

[Artie/Jack] Perhaps you never learned to read, sir.

   

[Artie/Jack] That thing behind you is an epee. Pick it up.

   

[Artie/Jack] I said Ö Pick. It. Up.

   

[Artie/Jack] By the way, what is your name?

   

[Artie/Jack] How do you do, James?

   

[Artie/Jack] Itís an odd thing, but I have this ridiculous feeling that you and I have done all this before. Isnít that ridiculous? 

   

[Artie/Jack] Well, it was fun while it lasted, wasnít it, James?
[Jim] Itís not over yet. Iíve gone to too much trouble to find you. 

   

[Jim] I just remembered an important appointment elsewhere.

   

[Artie] I hate to bow out of anything still puzzled, so Ö

   

[Artie] Ah! Now we know, Colonel Vautrain. Your side is going to win!

   

Musical Interlude: Live Oak Manor

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THE NIGHT OF THE DEADLY BUBBLE

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[Jim] Artie! Youíre beautiful! 

   

[Jim] Good luck, Artie.
[Artie] Listen, Iíd better go with you.
[Jim]  I thought of it first.

   

[Artie] Thatís very good, but itís me!
[Jim] Artie! 

   

[Pringle] To you two gentlemen. Inventive, brilliant, courageous.
[Artie] Weíll drink to that, because itís true.

   

[Artie] You knew that all along, didnít you?

   

[Artie] Thank you, friend! Or is this a private club? 

   

[Artie] I hope thereís another way out of here. 

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THE NIGHT OF THE CADRE

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Musical Interlude: Artemus Gordon Theme (Gordonís Shtick) 

   

[Artie] Oh, thatís brilliant! 

   

[Artie] If itís cotton wool you want, gov, have some of that!

   

[Artie] Great jumping balls of Saint Elmoís fire! You didnít tell me this was going to be a costume ball.

   

[Artie] Now I know why you refused an armed escort from Eagle Heights. Why kill off a whole unit when just the two of us will do?

   

[Artie] Thatís like looking for a needle in a hundred-mile haystack! 

   

[Artie] No Ö no please! 

   

[Jim] Where are we roughly?
[Artie] Iíd say about 20 miles into the middle of nowhere. And just about five minutes away from dying of thirst or alkali poisoning.

   

[Artie] I pass on that one.

   

[Jim] If that little surprise of yours doesnít workÖ
[Artie] If for any reason you are not absolutely delighted with this revolutionary new process for removing spots permanently, you may return the container to the maker for a full refund.

   

[Artie] Whoís this Ďthemí you keep talking about?

   

[Artie] The very top of the morniní to you, Mr. West.

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[SEASON TWO Continued]


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Dedicated with heartfelt appreciation to the memory of ROSS MARTIN.

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