[Artie]  Sir, I consider that a personal affront!

[Artie]  Prepare to defend yourself, sir!  May I have a little room, please...

[Jim] If we stick to the shadows we might be able to mix in.
[American Knife]  You should have no difficulty.  All you whites look alike.

[Jim] That’s why Washington has sent us brave gents here. To find the killers, round them up, and get the railroad moving again.

[Artie] Are they softening us up to carve us up?
[Jim]  No, they're friendly Indians.

[American Knife] Who knows, some day you may say some of my best friends are Cheyenne.

[Jim] You lost your disguise.
[Artie]  Well, wouldn't you ... James!

Musical Interlude:  Some Escape Music 

[Artie] You get to be an old codger like me, you learn to admire and revere the fair sex, as I do.

[Jim] I hate to clip your feathers, Artemus, but please – just look the part. Restrain yourself. 

[Jim] No whiskey, no women.
[Artie] Alright, if that's how ... How! 

[American Knife] A pleasure, Mr. Gordon.
[Artie]  Call me Artemus.

[Jim] She’s the tribal torturer.
[Artie]  Masochist. 

[Artie] You’re nothing but a bunch of murderers. 

[Artie] Oh, my pleasure! 

[American Knife] You see, Mr. Gordon—
[Artie]  -- Artemus.
[American Knife] Why you whites have these incomprehensible names I will never understand.

[Artie] You’ll never get away with this!

[Artie] James, my boy, that is a nice, useful sort of gorgeous girl.
[Jim] The only kind to have for a tight situation. 

[Artie] Sir, I don’t want to fight. I have no desire to do it…

[American Knife] Care for a cheap scalp? 

[Artie] Thank you, but I really have to be going.
[Gal] Why you’re down right shy! 

[Artie] Here’s to sin.
[Jim] And salvation. 

[Artie] Nobody know nothing. Tongue still like deep water.

[Jim] I wouldn’t trust you either.
[Artie] Now you look here, you young whipper snapper. I may be an old man down on his luck, but I am still a man of honor!
[Jim] Well, maybe a little on a cloudy day.

[Artie] Well, let’s get this train on the road. Civilization, here we come!
[Jim] That’s for me. Some wine, women, and some off-key harmonizing. 

[Jim] What were you trying to do?

[Jim] The ignoble Red man.
[Artie] I have to look the part, don’t I? The once proud Indian brought low by the white man’s vices? 

[Tennyson] Well done, sir!

[Artie]  Jim!  Come on! 

[Jim]  Do something to get their attention.
[Artie]  I could recite.
[Jim]  If it will work, do it.

[Jim]  I must say, Artemus, you did a beautiful job of disguise.
[Artie]  Oh thank you very much, James.  Just don't go lighting any matches around that unless you want the Secret Service to lose two of its best men. 

[Artie] Oh, of course!  Don't I make the sunrise in the west every morning? 

[Artie] Come on, lady, I haven’t got all day.

[Artie] Expressman, lady.
[Cluny] Go away.
[Artie] Oh, I’m sorry, lady, can’t do that. You’ve got to sign first.

[Artie] My great-aunt Maude always used to say every man should have a hobby.

[Jim] You have been the busy secret service man, haven’t you?

[Artie] What are you trying to do? 

[Artie] And it’s brilliant if I do say so myself, Jim.

[Artie] Five minutes under water – submerged! And you’d still survive! That is, if somebody was trying to drown ya.
[Jim] What if it doesn’t work?
[Artie] Bring it back, I’ll make you a new one.

[Artie] I think we’d better call the housekeeper. This place is a mess!

[Artie] Alright, the libration of the moon. 

[Artie] As a matter of fact, I’ve always been interested in nature since I was a little boy. 

[Artie] It works!
[Jim] One day, one of your ideas isn’t going to work and you’re going to find yourself stretched out for good.

[Guest] I never make a mistake.
[Artie] Of course. The Greenwich seminar. How are you?

[Artie] Tell me something. You ever wonder what might have happened if Amalie had pointed that gun a little higher when she shot at you?
[Jim] I think the box office would have refunded the money.

[Jim] I like surprises.

[Artie] Want to know what it is?
[Jim] If I don’t ask you’re going to tell me anyway.

[Artie] You seem worried.
[Jim] I am.

[Jim] What do you want to be, a hero?

[Loveless] Things are going on schedule, you’ll see, Mr. Doubting Thomas.

[Loveless] I wanted a candy, Kitten, and you’ve eaten all of them.

[Loveless] Now I had my heart set on that … FUDGE! 

[Loveless] Now, to make a man kill the thing he loves, that requires genius. 

[Artie] You wouldn’t have any giblet gravy in your pocket, would you?
[Jim] Ever kill a man with giblet gravy?

[Jim] For a moment, Artie, it was almost like I hated you.

[Artie] Would you mind telling me what you’ve got in mind?
[Jim] Just an idea. I need a little time to work it out.

[Artie] You know, he has really gone insane.

[Jim] Hey, Arte … is that really you?
[Artie] In the badly bruised flesh. Who were you expecting --President Grant?

[Loveless] But with one move of my hand on this lever, I send you forth to rid the world of evil.

Musical Interlude: Loveless & Antoinette/Lullaby (w/mayhem)

[Loveless] Those whom the gods will destroy they first make mad.

[Artie] Hey, what’s the matter? 

[Jim] I’ll miss him. That little man with the giant rage against the whole universe. 

Musical Interlude 2: Miguelito’s Theme 

[Loveless] Really, you can be quite exasperating. What kind of remark is that, "mmmhmm?"

[Artie] Hey, it’s me, remember? Artemus Gordon, Mrs. Gordon’s son.

[Artie] I am not letting you out of here in this state!

[Jim] Artie, you look a little pecked. How about a snack?
[Artie] I appreciate your concern. Right now I’d rather worry about Dr. Loveless.
[Jim] Worry, and eat. 

[Loveless] I imagine you’re bursting with questions. 

[Jim] I thought I shot you.
[Artie] You’ve done a lot of things to me in your time but you never got around to that!

[Artie] Oh no, you’re not going to tell us about another one of those silly inventions of yours.
[Loveless] Silly?
[Artie] Yes! 

[Loveless] You accuse me of bragging. You may as well accuse the sun of being egocentric because it shines.

[Artie] Easy on the suspenders, friend. It’s the only pair I’ve got.

[Loveless] And good-bye, adieu, ta-ta to all that veneer of civilization they prize so highly.  

[Loveless] Our visiting hours are over, Mr. Gordon. But I think for you we can make an exception.

[Jim] We need a weapon, don’t we?
[Artie] What are you going to do, chuck him to death on a bone?
[Jim] Something like that.

[Artie] Alright, something is wrong. What is it?