WILD WILD WEST: SEASON TWO/2


THE NIGHT OF THE BIG BLAST

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[Artie] I must say, youíre a marvelous actress.
[Lily] Whoís acting?

   

[Jim] I must not be detained.

   

[Jim] Iím working on that problem.
[Artie] If you come up with an answer, let me know.

   

[Artie] Thank you, fairy godmother!

   

[Artie] What are you doing here?
[Jim] Letting you out.

   

[Artie] Itís nothing sensational, but I call it home.

   

[Artie] You donít look very dead.
[Jim] Iím not even sick.

   

[Jim] My name is James West. Iím a special agent. 

   

[Artie2] My name is Artemus Gordon.

   

[Jim] I must follow your instructions exactly.

   

[Artie] Iím a special agent for the United States Government.

   

[Artie] Well, you have no idea what seeing your face does to me.

   

[Artie] There is no "why," Mr. Peters! He didnít do it! And Iíll prove he didnít do it Ö even if it kills me.

   

[Artie] What do you mean knew? He isnít dead.

   

[Artie] Completely logical.

   

[Artie] Speaking of love, Lil Ö uh Ö
[Jim] What Artemus wants to say, is will you marry him. 

   

[Lily] Oh Artie, you darling! I love you dearly Ö but no.

   

[Lily] Iíd never know if I was kissing you or some bomb.

   

[Artie] Would you like to rehearse that love scene just once more? 

   

Musical Interlude: A little waltz musicÖ

   

[Artie] Like trying to find that needle in a haystack while itís going through a threshing machine.
[Dancer] You prefer to dance in private?
[Jim2] Sometimes.
[Artie] I once won a medal in a breath-holding contest.
[Lily] Arenít you going to see what it says?
[Artie] What for? Itís probably just from the President.
[Artie] Whoís it from.
[Lily] The President!
[Artie2] I must do exactly as you say. 
[Artie] What do you do Ö outside of driving men wild, I mean?
[Artie] Why donít you do a little scene with me right now? Say, something from Romeo & Juliet? 
[Artie] Why I think thatís wonderful! I used to showboat myself.
[Artie] I suppose that talent will show eventually.
[Mrs. Fortune] Which one are you? The one whose father was arrested for moonshining?
[Artie] No, the thoughtful, considerate one.
[Mrs. Fortune] Where did you learn to do that?
[Lily] At that expensive girlís college you sent me to.
[Mrs. Fortune] You canít chase after a man like this. Itís not decent.
[Artie] Itís just Henrietta.
[Lily] Whoís Henrietta?!
[Mrs. Fortune] I told you waaayyy back in high school he was an undependable sort.
[Lily] And you told me that Lincoln would never be president.
[Artie] It doesnít seem possible, but youíve grown even more beautiful.
[Artie] As a matter of fact Iím on vacation right now. My private train is standing in the railroad yards. Iíd love to show it to you.
[Artie] I appreciate the honor but why me? Iím on a well earned vacation.
[Artie] Well, try me!

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THE NIGHT OF THE MAN-EATING HOUSE

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[Jim] Artie, I hate to bring this up, but the telegraph key is missing.

   

[Artie] Well, nobodyís perfect. 

   

[Jim] No oneís been here for a long long time.

   

[Artie] Must have been the lady of the house. I wonder who she was.

   

[Artie] Look at her eyes, Jim. Tears Ö

   

[Jim] Artie?
[Artie] Yeah, Iím awake.

   

[Artie] What caused that? Thereís no wind in here!

   

[Jim] Every ounce of bloodís been drained out of him.
[Artie] Howís that possible? 

   

[Jim] Did you get any on you? 

   

[Jim] Artie, if youíre telling me you believe in ghosts, I donít!

   

[Artie] Every time we hurt this house, she cries.

   

[Artie] Jim, I know this sounds insane, but I donít think thatís just a woman screaming. 

   

[Artie] In a way she is waiting, you know? Sheís this houseÖ 

   

[Artie] Iím not talking about ghosts, Jim. Itís this house itself. It seems to have a life of its own.

   

[Artie] Weíd better come up with a theory to cover that.

   

[Artie] Alright, how does that fit into your theory? 

   

[Artie] James my boy, if itís all the same to you, Iíd just as soon stay at the Palace Hotel. 

   

Musical Interlude: A little haunted house music to explore byÖ

   

[Artie] There may be a way out up there. 

   

[Artie] A fellow could starve to death down here.

   

[Jim] Weíre intruders here. Maybe the house is striking back the only way that it can. 
[Artie] Boy, I feel like Iím 90 going on 100.
[Jim] I know. I feel exactly the same way. 
[Artie] I donít believe it. Only the weapons are rusted. 
[Jim] Thatís what I like about women; they always tidy up for the new day.
[Artie] How do you go about handling a house that treats you as though you were an enemy?
[Jim] I donít know. Maybe the answer is to treat it like a friend, and not like an enemy. 
[Jim] Iím through apologizing for what it does to logic.
[Artie] There are a lot of people in Texas, Day. From what Iíve seen they donít die very easily.
[Artie] How am I going to do that?
[Jim] I donít know. Sing, dance, recite Shakespeare Ö anything! 
[Artie] A few thousand rats?! A few thousand rats are going to kill millions of people?!! 
[Artie] I must say the ladyís spelling is atrocious. 
[Artie] Youíve wasted your love on a madman, Caroline.
[Jim] He isnít worth your loving. Be rid of him, and be happy with your memories. 
[Jim] Except you spent half the night calling for a girl named Caroline. Now whoever she is you didnít seem to like her very much. 
[Artie] Dream Ö but it seemed so real.
[Artie] Jim Ö do you believe in ghosts?
[Jim] Of course not. You know thereís no such thing as ghosts. Why?
[Artie] Nothing. No such thing! No such thingÖ 

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THE NIGHT OF THE SKULLS

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[Judge] Of course! Itís Artemus Gordon.
[Artie] Youíre wrong. Itís his twin brother Adolphus. Iím here to avenge my brotherís foul murder by this killer.

   

[Artie] You know this could make a pretty entertaining game? Of course youíd use a ball instead of a rock. Bucket-ball.
[Jim] It will never catch on.

   

[Artie] I believe you sank one.
[Jim] You know, it might be a good game at that.

   

[Lorelei] Artemus, youíre really very charming.
[Artie] I know it. Would you like some more champagne?

   

[Jim] A very impressive funeral Ö
[Artie] Oh, thank you very much.
[Jim] Ö considering you were burying the devil himself.

   

[Jim] Artie, you couldnít be quiet, not even at your own funeral, could you?
[Artie] Well, somebody had to tell the truth.

   

[Jim] Artie, if you keep stealing my girlfriends, youíre going to end up dead again.
[Artie] Oh, come on Ö
[Jim] Oh, no no no Ė not from me. I wouldnít harm a hair on your head.

   

[Artie] Where have you been and do you have to stay? 

   

[Artie] We shall not see his like among us soon again. 

   

[Jim] Honor? Thatís a funny word for a man who has none. 

   

[Artie] Of course, no one could really do him justice. 

   

[Artie] Let me tell you, for I know him Ö knew Ö him well. 

   

[Artie] How do you like that? Six mourners. You didnít even show up. I tell you youíve gotta die before you find out who your friends really are.

   

[Jim] This place is full of rats. Iím going to stay here and clear it out.

   

[Artie] What kind of resort is this? 

   

[Artie] James my boy, thereís a rope thatís rotten to the core. 

   

[Artie] Shall we discuss my scruples later, in private? 

   

[Artie] Blast it, James, youíre always showboating! I had this thing all wrapped up. 

   

[Artie] You killed me once this week. Isnít that enough? 

   

[Artie] When am I going to get to meet your friends, James?
[Jim] Any time.

   

[Artie] They whisked so good, there was nothing to watch.

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THE NIGHT OF THE BOGUS BANDITS

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[Loveless] Pitiful. Absolutely pitiful!

   

[Jim] I learned a long time ago to beware of Greeks bearing gifts. 

   

[Loveless] Youíre cluttering my floor. Get my chair.

   

[Loveless] The Loveless Institute for Advanced Research may have lost a marvelous copy but, never fear, it shall soon have the original himself.

   

[Loveless] I introduce one little element of surprise and what happens? Weeks of rehearsal go up in smoke.

   

[Loveless] Rather impressive, isnít he?

   

[Loveless] Carelessness like that is not only dangerous, itís downright irritating. 

   

[Jim] So youíre the sheriff.
[Loveless] Of course. If I couldnít be sheriff I wouldnít play. 

   

[Loveless] Stage left, stage right, center Ė what difference does it make? 

   

[Artie] Well, boarding house or saloon? Take your pick.

   

[Artie] Why thank you. Thank you very much.

   

[Loveless] Too long have we tarried in this unquiet place where man imprisons man. 

   

[Jim] Youíre not going to run out of reasons now, are you, Doctor? 

   

[Artie] What a terrible thing to have happen to a perfectly good sketch pad.

   

[Artie] Why, there you are! You lovely lady. 

   

[Artie] Oh, Iím sorry Ö I was just thinking. Would you consider lending me your mustache? 

   

[Artie] As my old Aunt Maude always used to say to me, ĎArtemus, if you canít win the game, the next best thing is to upset the chessboardÖí

   

[Loveless] Forever and forever, farewell Cassius. If we do meet again, why, we shall smile. If we do notÖ

   

[Artie] Oh, excuse me, sir! Have you seen a small, freckle-faced boy around here answering to the name of Wes(t)ley? Ö

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Dedicated with heartfelt appreciation to the memory of ROSS MARTIN.

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